How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Every week, the crew responds to a bonus question in chat form.
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have always been good about reciprocating oral sex. I wish I could eat her out more often, but she only prefers it on occasion post-shower, which I respect. But while she says she enjoys blowing me and making me feel good, she visibly and audibly hates when I climax. She established early on that she doesn’t want me to finish on her face or mouth. I respect her decision, though some of my previous partners preferred when I finished in their mouth and I miss that feeling sometimes. But while she does let me finish on her chest as a compromise, whenever I do, she almost always frowns and vocalizes her disgust. Sometimes she’ll even run to the bathroom to spit out all the saliva in her mouth. While I don’t expect her to pretend she’s enamored by my cum, it really puts a damper on my orgasm and makes me feel self-conscious. The last time this happened I pointed it out and argued that she would be mortified if I did the same thing when I ate her out. She laughed and agreed, but we left it there. I’d like to continue receiving head, and I don’t have any other indication she wants to stop (she often offers unprompted). I’d also be disappointed if I had to stop finishing on her chest. Is there a good way to address this? Am I overreacting?
Stoya: I’m wondering if he knew about her aversion to semen when he married her.
Rich: And if he thought maybe he could convert her with his singularly delicious nectar?
Stoya: Exactly. Or did he think he wouldn’t miss it?
Rich: There are a few reasons why people prefer those on the other ends of their dicks to swallow: It imparts a feeling of being accepted. There is some sensation-based reasoning (if someone stops sucking too early, it may decrease the intensity of the orgasm, for example). And dominance. I feel like a huge part of this is just social learning. Swallowing cum is a thing because … swallowing cum is a thing. People see it or hear about it and think, “I want that!”
Stoya: So our writer can think through what he enjoys about being swallowed—or finishing on her chest as a compromise—and consider whether there are other ways to meet that desire.
Rich: Yes. Objectively speaking, it seems like the great importance some people place on this isn’t exactly rational. Now, I know sex often isn’t rational, but this goes pretty beyond. One fact of life is: Stuff comes out of our bodies that other people may find unpleasant. Imagine someone getting upset that his wife was disgusted by his farts: “But I made it!”
Stoya: I can see how a typical guy would be upset by someone expressing disgust toward his semen. But really, the stuff is pretty gross. If you leave it for more than 30 seconds it starts to congeal, oddly. Don’t even get me started on when it interacts with water.
Rich: Cum is something I’ve fully eroticized, but I couldn’t blame someone for turning their nose up at a substance with the consistency of snot and the faint smell of bleach. I get it if there’s no room on your palate for that. I think some people get their identities caught up in the white stuff. But buddy, you are not your cum.
I’m wondering about the mechanics of these blowjobs. I mean, if he were lying on his back, it’s likely that the easiest way to shoot would be on himself. And that would be a nice service for the wife.
Stoya: Great solution.
Rich: I don’t want to dismiss what is important to him, but I feel like sometimes compromises are necessary to keep getting to do what you like to do. If his wife got fed up with having cum on her and said, “No blowjobs,” it presumably would be a worse situation for him than not getting to shoot his cum exactly where he wants.
Stoya: I think he’s got an understanding of that, and it may be best to err on the side of maintaining the status quo.
Rich: Sometimes you just have to take what you can get.
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