We’re a few days into 2021, and it looks like Kim Kardashian, bless her, plans to follow her compass in a new direction this year: away from West. According to a new Page Six report, which hasn’t yet been confirmed elsewhere (TMZ disagrees, for example), Kardashian and her husband of seven years, rapper and sorta former presidential candidate Kanye West, will be divorcing in the near future. Sources in the article said the two have grown apart, and that Kim in particular has had enough of Kanye’s antics, political and otherwise, in recent years (to which it seems very fair to say: Who could blame her?).
Our tabloid infrastructure hasn’t seen a potential divorce so monumental since the heady days of Brangelexit. The money involved, the houses, the children, the gold-plated toilets … in the end, I’m not sure it would be less complicated for the government to break up Facebook than it will ultimately be for Kim and Kanye to legally dissolve their union.
It is precisely the kind of situation, in other words, that calls for an epic Page Six article. What other literary form exists that can convey such splendor and such squalor? Especially for a couple that remains oddly thirsty for print media. And on this day, the gossip sheet deserves praise for rising to the occasion. It’s nice to know you can still count on some institutions—even if the thing you can count on in Page Six’s case is some good celebrity divorce goss alongside a steady agenda of evil.
The entire piece is a joy of the genre. High up, it deploys that Laura Wasser is Kardashian’s lawyer. This is a bat call for a certain kind of reader: Wasser, who did Kim’s previous divorce, and repped Angelina Jolie too, is the Simone Biles of divorce lawyers, the Michael Jordan of marital dissolution—there simply is no other. Just ask Laura Dern, whose character in Marriage Story was based on Wasser. Is it possible that Wasser is even something of a role model for Kim? Lest we forget—Page Six certainly didn’t—Kim wants to become one of the first lawyers without a law degree since Abraham Lincoln, and it’s yet another thing that has come between her and Kanye. (As a source notes, approvingly, “This divorce is happening because Kim has grown up a lot.”)
Kanye’s bad behavior doesn’t need Page Six to sensationalize it, but the article also expertly charts a few particularly galling examples, such as the time West tweeted that he wanted to divorce Kardashian for, uh, some reason involving Meek Mill and criminal justice, as well as the time he referred to Kim’s mother Kris Jenner as “Kris Jong-Un.” (Well, that one was sorta funny. But still.) A Kim-sympathetic source and American hero even manages to disparage Kanye’s over-the-top 40th birthday gift to Kim: The person told Page Six that West was reluctant to attend Kim’s COVID-era party in the first place, showing up late. “All he did was bring over the hologram of her father Robert Kardashian, then got out of there as fast as he could,” the person said. All he did?? I really hope this quote makes it into the official court filing.
All in all, just the platonic ideal of a Page Six exclusive about a celebrity divorce. I have only one criticism: If the image of a New York Post cover that goes along with the article is indeed Wednesday’s front page, its headline is: “Kim & Kanye Go Bust.” We all know the end of Kimye deserves better than that. Kimyend? Whatever, workshop it; I want a world-class pun the next time there’s a break in this story.