Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I found out that my 11-year-old child was pressured into riding in a car being driven by one of her friends, “Maria.” Apparently, Maria’s mother was not only aware of this but sent these two sixth graders in the car by themselves to run an errand for her while she was watching TV. I found all this out when I saw Maria driving down the road with my 10-year-old neighbor in the passenger seat, and my daughter confessed. I’m glad that my daughter told me what happened, but now I’m not sure what to do. I’ve sent a text to my neighbor to see if she knew what her daughter was doing, but she hasn’t answered. The neighbor and Maria’s mother have been close friends for years, and I suspect that my neighbor knew what was going on.
I have fairly severe social anxiety, which is warring with my sick horror that my child was put in this situation, that Maria is being left to do such things, and anger that someone I entrusted my child to failed her so spectacularly. Should I raise the subject with these parents? Or just settle for keeping my daughter and Maria at my house when they want to get together (after the virus has lifted)? I do not blame Maria since she is a child, but I am very concerned about her. I don’t think people will change their behavior because of my disapproval, but I want to do the right thing, and there is no way my child can be left there again.
—Mad at Maria’s Mom
Dear MaMM,
You should absolutely raise this subject with any and all adults who were aware of what took place but chose to ignore or condone it. This is capital WTF behavior, and you’d have every right not only to keep your child away from these people but to report her to the authorities. There is an underage child driving in your community, which is a danger to everyone.
Tell Maria’s mother exactly how you feel about your child essentially being entrusted to the care of another child who was left to drive a car illegally with no regard for her safety, nor the safety of her passengers. Avoid allowing your kid to spend time in the care of either of these families, and ensure that she knows that she must have the courage to say “NO” unequivocally when she is put in such a difficult situation. Explain that you understand why she reluctantly went along with Maria’s mother’s request, but that she must inform you every time that she is to get in a car with anyone; that way, if another parent pulls a stunt like that again, she’ll be tasked with letting them know that she has to call and ask her mom if it’s OK first. Hopefully, the recognition that this foolhardy behavior has to be reviewed by another parent will serve as a wake-up call to the grown-up in question.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
One year ago, my wife left my daughter and me. She always said she wanted kids, but she was worried she wouldn’t be a good mother because her parents were (allegedly) abusive. Before we got pregnant, she saw a therapist and decided she definitely did want kids. We had a child, but our wife never really bonded with her. She went through the general motions, but there was never any “motherly love.” Then when my daughter was 8, my wife had a breakdown (in front of her) and told her she didn’t love her and never would, that she never wanted to be a mother, and she begged me to give our daughter up for adoption. I took my daughter and filed for divorce the next day.
About a month after this, we ended up moving because my daughter was being bullied at school (“No one likes you, not even your mom”), and the school claimed there was nothing they could do. Now we live in a new town and have gotten a fresh start. My daughter is in therapy twice a week and seems to be doing well. I heard through my divorce lawyer that my ex-wife saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and is considered a psychopath, no surprise there. Before the pandemic, my daughter had some new school friends over, and one of them asked where her mom was. My daughter’s response was, “Oh, she died last year.” My question is, do I need to do anything? Does my daughter actually think her mom is dead? Her therapist isn’t making video appointments right now, and it’ll be another couple weeks before her practice opens again. Do I talk to my daughter about this?
—Solo Dad
Dear SD,
I’m so sorry that you and your daughter have had to deal with such a devastating loss, and it’s great that you’ve been able to get her into such a regular therapy practice. Have you spoken to your daughter’s psychiatrist about how to handle the closure of her office? Perhaps there is someone she’d recommend to provide additional support via videoconferencing in the meantime.
Otherwise, it’s pretty unlikely that your daughter actually thinks that her mother has died. At her last school, she was taunted because of the abandonment, so it’s not terribly surprising that she came up with a story that would make her mother’s absence in her life much easier for her to explain to her peers. Let her know that you overheard her and that you understand why she chose to misrepresent the circumstances of your ex-wife’s departure. If you aren’t regularly having conversations about her emotional well-being and the changes that have taken place in your lives over the past year, you should begin doing so ASAP—especially while therapy is on hold, and even after it resumes. Let her know that you aren’t going anywhere, that you have always truly and deeply wanted her as your child and that you are available to talk to her about this and any other issue she may be having. When your doctor returns, speak to them about what you observed and ask for support in helping your daughter to devise a set of talking points to use when she is asked about her mother. Best wishes to you both.
• If you missed Tuesday’s Care and Feeding column, read it here.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I need an “Am I a Jerk?” ruling regarding having my in-laws (who are wonderful and I love blah blah) virtually attend my kiddo’s birthday. My daughter will be turning 2 soon and because of social distancing, and the fact that she is unlikely to remember much about this moment, we do not plan on having much more than a small, household-only celebration with no outside guests. My husband and I live hours away from both of our families, so we only see them in person a handful of times each year, and video chat about once a week. Both families are requesting that we video chat while we have our daughter’s “party” so they can see her open gifts and eat cake. I understand why, but I just don’t want to do a live chat.
My daughter is a typical toddler who wants to hold our phones/tablets while we video chat, so we will probably have a hard time focusing on cake/presents when the screens are out, so I don’t really see it being an enriching experience for anyone. Then there are the logistics of getting everyone on a Zoom call at the same time (our families live across multiple time zones), and frankly, I just don’t want to deal with coordinating everyone’s schedules. I would much rather just enjoy my daughter’s birthday and not fight technology or have someone feeling left out because we scheduled the “party” at a time they couldn’t attend. We had done video calls (before my daughter was born) for Christmas, where we all sit “together” to open gifts, and it is boring, takes forever, and I don’t feel like anyone is in the moment. I’ve suggested just taking a video and sending it to everyone after the fact, but that idea was received rather coldly by my MIL. Am I a jerk? Is a 2-year-old’s birthday an important enough milestone that I should just suck it up?
—Virtual Party Pooper
Dear VPP,
I feel you, homey. The best part about video parties, aside from merely being able to gaze upon the faces of your loved ones, are the conversations and jokes that a 2-year-old would simply be unable to engage in. And as you said, your daughter is likely to be more interested in holding the phone in her hand and mashing buttons than posing for screenshots and making sure everyone sees her eyes light up adequately when she opens their gift.
However, much of what you are describing could be said for a “real-life” birthday party, which would inevitably be a bigger logistical challenge than a Zoom call that has to take place before it’s too late for East Coast peeps and after the West Coast crew has had time to wake up and get settled into their day. What both online and offline celebrations like this have in common is that they largely serve two purposes: to allow your child to begin to recognize the circle of loved ones she has outside of the ones who define her day-to-day interactions and to allow that circle to bask in the love and light that is your little girl—something that is even more precious at a moment in which folks don’t know when they’ll be able to see her in person again.
It sounds like it would mean a lot for your families to see your daughter on her birthday. Would it be such a tremendous sacrifice to allocate an hour for them to be able to watch her put her fist through a piece of cake and attempt to open a couple of packages? If she melts down or refuses to engage with the video chat, you can simply shut it down early, but I think you owe it to your loved ones to give the virtual shindig a try. Good luck, and congratulations on nearly two years of parenthood!
Dear Care and Feeding,
There really is no poetic way to say this: My 11-year-old nephew does not wipe his butt properly after bowel movements and often smells rank. A number of family members have tried a variety of interventions (promoting flushable wipes, talking technique, and frank discussions about how this is a serious hygiene issue that needs to be addressed), but nothing seems to be getting through. He’s much too old for an in-person demo or a post-wipe check by Mom or Dad. In fact, he’s approaching the age where he’ll be spending the majority of his time out in the world with his peers, and there are increasing concerns that this issue is going to cause him major pain and embarrassment. Is a trip to the doctor too extreme a next step? What about talking to a therapist? Is there some other idea we haven’t thought of?
—My Nephew Stinks
Dear MNS,
This is definitely a Code 10, man down situation. How has it not caused “major pain and embarrassment” thus far? If the family can smell him, ostensibly, so can his classmates and teachers—has this never been an issue at school?! Also, he’s 11, which means he’s been taking solo bathroom trips for a very long time; has his hygiene devolved from his potty training days? Or has he always been sour about the bottom? The former certainly raises some serious questions about just what could have transpired that would change his approach to his lower body so drastically.
Kids can be trifling and/or forgetful about a number of things, such as leaving half-eaten food in their room or failing to put on deodorant every day. Being presented with evidence that one regularly has an odor due to unattended to fecal matter on the body and choosing not to deal with it, however, goes above and beyond what is to be expected from a boy his age. If you’re saying that this child has been confronted directly about his failure to properly clean himself after a bowel movement but refuses to improve, then it is certainly time to look to professionals for help.
A pediatrician can, perhaps, drive home the point about the health risk (to himself and others) that poor bathroom hygiene can present and may be able to help identify just why this young man is averse to cleaning his butt in the first place. Perhaps he could be suffering from hemorrhoids, or a sensitivity to certain brands of toilet paper. Maybe this is a byproduct of him not getting the help he needed with wiping back in day care and he simply never learned how to do it properly, and now he’s just being an angsty preteen when confronted about such an intimate subject. Or perhaps something is seriously wrong and this is a red flag pointing you toward a greater problem. I’d cover all bases and schedule an appointment with a mental health specialist of some sort now, as opposed to waiting to see what a doctor has to say, especially considering that your family may have a more difficult time getting an in-person or virtual appointment at the moment. Wishing you all the best, and encouraging you to push your nephew’s parents to be as proactive as possible about this before it causes any more harm.
—Jamilah
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