The Most Bananas Quotes From Alleged Royal Insiders About Megxit

Prince Harry, wearing a navy blue suit, sits next to Meghan Markle, wearing a brown turtleneck. Both of them are smiling.
All of Harry and Meghan’s “close personal friends” have crawled out of the woodwork to give quotes to the Daily Mail WPA Pool/Getty Images

The fallout from Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s bombshell decision to “step back” from their duties as royals and assume a life somewhere on the vast continent of North America is still settling both here and across the Pond. Whether or not the ex-Sussexes’ new independence will require a hard or soft Megxit has yet to be determined, but the lack of details hasn’t stopped royal sources from making their feelings known—anonymously of course—in the pages of the very British tabloids credited with driving the couple away in the first place. With near-constant updates spinning out of Buckingham Palace, it’s hard to keep up with the absolutely batshit quotes palace insiders are giving to press. One thing is clear from the apocalyptic tone they all seem to be taking: Megxit has done nothing short of causing the entire royal ecosystem of insiders and senior aides—whose entire jobs seem to be leaking quotes to the Sun—to lose its collective mind. As an American, I’ve exercised my liberty and bolded the wildest parts.

One royal source told the Daily Mail that “the level of deceit has been staggering and everyone from the top of the royal household to the bottom feels like they have been stabbed in the back.” In the same piece, another raged that it was a “masterclass in wanting to have your cake and eat it.”

“The family are all very upset at how the Sussexes have behaved, not least because of the impact it has had on the Queen, who has a very frail husband, the whole Andrew problem to deal with and now Harry, who is frankly behaving like a bolshie teenager,” one family source told Vanity Fair, in a totally normal comparison of wanting to escape racist and sexist media scrutiny to hanging out with a known sex offender.

Another senior source told the Sun, in a completely proportional statement, that the Sussexes’ “statement was not cleared with anyone. It breaks all protocol. This is a declaration of war on the family. There is fury over how they’ve done this without any thought for the implications for the institution. The Queen is deeply upset. The Prince of Wales and Duke of Cambridge are incandescent with rage.”

In another totally apt war analogy, journalist and royal friend Tom Bradby wrote in the Times of London that “the family urgently needs a meaningful peace deal with the young breakaway couple, because a protracted war would be very bloody indeed.”

“I saw this coming. It was just a matter of time,” an alleged friend of Markle told the Daily Mail. “With Meghan, it’s always been her way or the highway … Meghan likes to flee when things get heavy and observe from afar what she has done.” Thanks, friend!

One exasperated aide told the Daily Mail: “People had bent over backwards for them.” How exactly? Well, the young couple was “given the wedding they wanted, the house they wanted, the office they wanted, the money they wanted, the staff they wanted, the tours they wanted, and had the backing of their family. What more did they want?” Compare that attitude to the glowing headlines that poured forth whenever Prince William and Kate Middleton decided to buck royal tradition by … asking for what they wanted.

But “fuming Prince Philip” perhaps had the most frightening reaction, reportedly saying: “What the hell are they playing at?” A source told the Sun that “to say that the Duke feels let down would be a considerable understatement. He is deeply hurt” and “was spitting blood when aides informed him what had happened.” Get that checked out, Prince Philip!

And last night, in describing the “strict instructions on branding” that the young couple would need to abide by, “one figure” (not even a royal aide or fake pal!) told the Daily Mail with what I can only imagine as slight panic that “no one wants to see the Sussexes’ name on a tub of margarine.” Because that would be unseemly.