Every week, Danny M. Lavery and Nicole Cliffe discuss a Prudie letter. This week: the boyfriend and the baby.
Danny Lavery: I mean the good news here is that you really already ARE leaving
you told him he needs to focus on hiring a lawyer and that you can’t be friends, you’re talking to your sister about going to stay with her
my read is that you just need, like, a gut-check that you’re doing something sensible and sane
Nicole Cliffe: Yeah, you gotta go!
This is just….so much. And you have not been together that long.
He needs all his bandwidth to navigate this.
Even though he thinks otherwise
Danny Lavery: yeah
he’s going to be BUSY
Nicole Cliffe: Two years? I would feel differently
I would say “take a minute”
Danny Lavery: sure, although if you’d been together for two years it would have meant he’d cheated on you with her
Nicole Cliffe: but there are so many people
in that instance I would be expecting “okay so I didn’t tell you, here is your toddler”
Danny Lavery: oh gosh, right
Nicole Cliffe: It could happen to ANYONE
Danny Lavery: sure! and I’m not saying that anyone in the OP’s situation HAS to leave or else they don’t respect themselves
Nicole Cliffe: Absolutely
Danny Lavery: I just mean, it’s been five months and you WANT to break up?
Nicole Cliffe: But she sounds v sure
Danny Lavery: hell yes, break up
Nicole Cliffe: you do not have to sign into this
Danny Lavery: at five months you’re still dumping people for petty things
and this isn’t actually petty
Nicole Cliffe: EXACTLY
if someone I dated for five months didn’t think “Hot Fuzz” was funny
I would shake their hand warmly and collect my toothbrush
Danny Lavery: I don’t know why I fixated on that line about “she didn’t even bother to tell Nick until someone caught her going out”
and heaven knows this woman may very well be a difficult and/or unpleasant person
but…I can think of a FEW reasons why she might not feel eager to tell her ex she’d recently hoped she was going to reconcile with, the one who now has a new girlfriend, that she’s pregnant
Nicole Cliffe: Oh, hell yes.
The small town thing is hard, but also…five months.
You will have some awkward grocery store run-ins.
Danny Lavery: not if you go stay with your sister though
Nicole Cliffe: RIGHT, which yes, absolutely
But in case you wish to return once you have your shit together
he cannot be in a relationship during this time
my husband’s mom died two weeks into our relationship and he almost broke up with me just bc it was too much
which I would have understood
Danny Lavery: also i think he should definitely establish his paternity now, that was good advice, but just on a personal level, i think you should act as if you KNEW he was the father; otherwise you’ll just be torturing yourself
Nicole Cliffe: Absolutely
Danny Lavery: i don’t think i realized it was so new
Nicole Cliffe: yep, two weeks
The poor guy.
And I feel bad for Nick
And I know he’s grabbing at familiarity and prob has strong feelings for the LW
and this must be so fast and disorientating
Danny Lavery: of course!
Nicole Cliffe: He hasn’t done anything wrong and I wish him the very best
Danny Lavery: it doesn’t have to be a situation where you dump him and hate him forever
Nicole Cliffe: if it’s not his baby, what do you think?
Danny Lavery: I want to leave room for “he did SOME STUFF non-optimally”
but he may very well be a perfectly lovely person
I mean, it wouldn’t change the situation you had been in
Nicole Cliffe: Right, there’s a lot we wouldn’t know
Danny Lavery: you can say “this is too much for me” without necessarily making it a moral referendum on someone else
Nicole Cliffe: Yes. I just wanted to register that this is rough for him and it sounds like he and the LW are in love.
And I’m glad he’s stepping up.
Danny Lavery: life gets complicated and messy sometimes, and he can still do the right thing here, and maybe someday down the line he’ll find someone else who’s great for him. I hope so!
now I feel very Mr. Darcy – yes, but their mutual attachment is new, and can easily be broken
Nicole Cliffe: hahahahaha
No, but correct
it is a very new mutual attachment
And she sounds clear as water
that she’s out
so let’s warmly support that
Danny Lavery: yes!
I think especially because she can’t have children
and is aware that she has mourning to do there/ways she needs to protect herself
Nicole Cliffe: She honestly sounds v emotionally healthy.
Which, you love to see it
Danny Lavery: I’m absolutely sure that in 1 out of 100 of cases like these, someone briskly and cheerfully steps up to say “Life is so weird; let’s stay together!” and they end up making it work
Nicole Cliffe: ABSOLUTELY
my mom would
Danny Lavery: but if you know that stuff around kids is already especially hard for you? you would be breaking your heart regularly over this situation
Nicole Cliffe: it would be so hard
and unrelenting, bc infants
also an expensive legal process, potentially
my hope is that this is soon in her rear view mirror and that the parents work out joint custody
Or a form of custody that provides the maximum stability to this baby
Danny Lavery: yes!
that would be ideal. Hope you and your sister have a great time living together
and if you drive each other nuts, feel free to write in again