Marie Kondo, she of throwing-things-out fame, has a store. Right on schedule for the holiday season! Naturally, people are wondering why a woman whose whole thing is that you should eliminate the excess from your home has switched course to funnel crap into your life.
Has Kondo just developed a sudden personal interest in the modern art of e-commerce? Is this a well-meaning attempt to use her considerable platform for artisans spread their handmade goods? Was making you get rid of all your belongings so she can sell you new belongings the con all along? Kondo defends “The Shop at KonMari” with this quote on the landing page: “I can think of no greater happiness in life than being surrounded only by the things I love.” Fair enough. In that light, we are not here to rashly judge—just to evaluate some of the goods on offer, on Kondo’s own terms.
Item: Erode Mini Soap—Dirty Grapefruit
Does it spark joy?: Sure! It instantly transforms you into the kind of person who spends $22 on a tiny soap, the kind of splurge that is a bit ludicrous and also will not bankrupt you.
Item: Earthsaver Ridged Soap Rest
Does it spark joy?: No. This will soon become that inexplicable block of wood that’s hanging out in your shower.
Item: Large Cheese Knife
Does it spark joy?: Maybe. Per the description, “this hand-forged knife is ideal for cutting cheeses ranging from semi-firm to semi-soft and can also be used to spread soft cheeses.” That’s most of the cheeses.
Item: Leather Room Shoes
Does this spark joy?: Until your dog eats your $206 slippers.
Item: Dustpan and Broom
Does it spark joy?: No.
Item: Wooden Plate
Does it spark joy?: No.
Item: Tuning Fork and Rose Quartz Crystal
Does it spark joy?: Yes, for the one day and one day only that your bedroom is clean enough for this to be serenely placed in the middle of your dresser. After that, it is “that fucking tuning fork.”
Item: Shiatsu Stick
Does it spark joy?: You’d be better off putting the money toward a session with someone trained in shiatsu massage than jabbing at yourself or a loved one with this stick.
Item: Snack and Sandwich Bag
Does it spark joy?: Made of canvas and without a lick of hardware, this will just spark purse spills.
Item: Medium Simple Storage Container
Does it spark joy?: “With a capacity of 96 ounces, it can also be used as a terrarium!” (No.)
Item: Flower Bouquet Tote
Does it spark joy?: This piece of canvas will be immediately relegated to a vast pileup of canvas totes. You will not have it on hand either of the two times a year you impulse-buy flowers (which you will not have trouble carrying anyway). You will accidentally bring it to the grocery store in place of a bag that can actually hold things.
Item: Countertop Compost Bin
Does it spark joy?: It will actively cause your family/roommates/anyone who enters your kitchen to low-key hate you.
Item: Cat Pouch
Does it spark joy?: Awww, unqualified yes.