Every week, Danny Ortberg and Nicole Cliffe discuss a Prudie letter. This week, they discuss two: crushes and squash.
Nicole: Oh shit
I mean, break up with your girlfriend
do not assume you will magically pull off the swap
but wait until you have those level of feelings for another person to get seriously involved w them
Danny: I think that, if it is possible, you should hold off on breaking up with your girlfriend
and see if you can recapture some of those feelings of “mad love” you had just a couple of weeks ago
because, and I’m trying to read this generously here, maybe he is a young person, and this is one of his first serious relationships, and he doesn’t really have a strong sense of like, how to handle a flash of unexpected chemistry
Nicole: okay that’s fair, give it some time
Danny: sometimes you meet someone and you feel chemistry! If, as is this case, you remained pretty formal, and never spoke again
Nicole: the fact he has lost a level of attraction is bad?
Danny: I don’t think you have grounds to think this was necessarily true love
yeah that does feel very fickle
Nicole: but time can do stuff
Danny: yeah if you give this a few weeks and you’re just totally unable to recapture the feelings, I think it would be better for you to break up with your girlfriend because she deserves better
Danny: but I do not think you should try to ask out her friend even after you’re single
Like he is totally going to try
Danny: ADMITTEDLY I AM NO LONGER A WOMAN, but I feel … relatively confident saying that probably most women will not be impressed by a guy who dumps their friend on the basis of a single conversation with them
Nicole: no matter what we say
but it won’t happen
Danny: “we both like running and had the same major” is not the love connection you seem to think it is
Nicole: Correct, as still a woman.
Danny: like, it’s a relatively common coincidence
Danny: I really think (even if they’re not “super close”) if you dump your girlfriend and then go ask this woman out, she’s going to be freaked out and think you’re a super-sketchy prospect and not a trustworthy, reasonable, standup guy
Nicole: might be pronounced “yogging”
Danny: i think it’s a hard J
Nicole: I’m glad he wrote in and I hope he gets the magic back w his gf
Danny: yeah I think this is a really bad idea and I hope you can snap out of it
Nicole: but there is no scenario of making the swap successfully, and he sounds flaky
Danny: you do not have probable cause!!!
Nicole: No you do not
Danny: it’s a definite Dennis Duffy move
Nicole: SO TRUE SO WISE
Danny: also—this is just for fun—please enjoy one other question
We were recently informed by a neighbor that two frequently unsupervised neighborhood siblings (who often engage in annoying but not malicious behavior) stole squash from our garden last summer. She reports they were looking around, grabbed them, and ran, which makes me think they knew it was wrong. We know the family isn’t hurting for food, and we’d be happy to share our harvest with them if they would ask, but we would like to address this. We don’t really know their parents, but we do know where they live. What would be the best way to approach this?
—Neighborhood Kids Stealing Produce
Danny: DO NOT BECOME THE JAVERT OF SQUASH
Nicole: thank you for this
please tell me that’s going in the column
Danny: yes it is
the thing that’s especially egregious about this is I feel like everyone, even non-gardeners, know that squash and mint are both notorious over-producers
Danny: anyone who plants either one becomes like the Ancient Mariner, cursed to try to unload their infinite produce forever
Danny: trying to get rid of summer squash is an actual problem, your whimsical urchin scamp neighbor kids are doing you a favor
Nicole: It’s adorable.