How to Do It

I Get Super Turned On by Something That Mortifies Most Men

How do I ask for it in bed?

A man and woman in an embrace, with neon stop watches in the background.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Send your questions for Stoya and Rich to howtodoit@slate.com.

Every Thursday night, the crew will answer one bonus question in chat form.

Dear How to Do It,

When I had sex with my first boyfriend when I was 17, he came very quickly, within a minute. He was embarrassed. I told him it was normal—I think I confidently asserted this based on teen movies—and that he would last longer the next time. The thing is, he never really did. Every time we had sex, after maybe a minute or two, he’d have to pull out or he’d be done (yes, he tried the baseball trick). The other thing is, I started to really love this. It turned me on so much that he couldn’t help but lose it with me. We did plenty of foreplay—with me barely touching his penis, granted—so it wasn’t like sex lasted five minutes every time. We ended up dating for six years, and he never lasted too much longer than he did the first time.

Well, we broke up last summer (we took post-college jobs in different cities and had sort of outgrown the relationship; it was amicable and we keep in touch). I’ve had a fun time exploring sexually, because up until then, we had more or less been each other’s only partners. My problem is that I miss my two-pump chump, so to speak. Some guys can really go a long time, and seem proud of their “stamina,” but my vagina gets pretty tired after a few minutes! And I’m not sure if this is a thing, but I think it’s almost a fetish for me now to have a man come quickly; I find myself seeking out premature ejaculation porn sometimes. This sounds ridiculous, I know, but what can I do here? Put on Tinder “must come embarrassingly fast during sex”? And how do people deal with guys who want to bang for 20 minutes straight? I’ve had about a half-dozen partners now and just can’t think of how to approach this.

—Minute Woman

Rich: I love this advice seeker.

Stoya: SAME.

Rich: Maybe more than anyone else in the world ever. She is really playing my song.

Stoya: More than the auditory voyeur?

Rich: Yes. I love all our children, but this one the most.

Stoya: I straight-up chortled when I was reading the question through for the first time.

Rich: My favorite part is her taking it as a compliment, WHICH IT IS. That’s always how I take it too! Being able to make someone spontaneously orgasm is practically sorcery.

Stoya: It’s the greatest. When male partners do get used to me and start taking longer, I go for three-button moves like pushing on the outside of the prostate.

Rich: Yes, or like the slightest change in breathing/increasing of moans is met with encouragement to shoot. “Come whenever you want! Don’t mind me!”

Stoya: Hahaha. Amazing.

Rich: I’ve got sandwiches to make and columns to write. I’m too old to be spending all day in bed. Let’s get a move on.

Stoya: Absolutely. And vaginas do get tired. It isn’t even necessarily a friction thing. The muscles start to get fatigued, especially if the woman orgasms easily and therefore frequently.

Rich: I’ve always said that a major privilege of being a man who has sex with men is that you can both come quickly and everyone’s satisfied. It’s interesting that there are women for whom this works as well, because the stereotype is very much not that.

Stoya: I’m thinking about how porn contributes to this problem. We don’t see many women in adult entertainment who are sated. In fact, the opposite. We usually see them bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and hungry for more at the end of the scene.

Rich: Yes. There’s literally a golden-age porn called Insatiable. Great flick. Its star, Marilyn Chambers, sings its theme song. But anyway.

Stoya: Where’s Seven Minutes Is Actually a Bit Much or Race to Ejaculate?

Rich: Given your established preference for a quick shot, was it really grueling to do the extended penetration that filming porn often calls for?

Stoya: The exhibitionism factor usually carried me through the scene—like, just the sheer joy of it being a whole production and performance. Later the meta layer of operating camera and being in control as a director/producer was part of that, too. Mostly what makes me tired is the orgasms. So I’d do my best to avoid coming early in the scene. And performers do tend to switch between penetration and oral.

Rich: All of that makes a lot of sense and underlines a greater point: The sex act doesn’t begin when the penis is inserted into the vagina and end when it’s taken out. Intercourse is but one hot plate in this buffet. The letter writer does acknowledge this.

Stoya: She does acknowledge one side of the coin, and I think you’re on the right track pointing out the other side as well. There can still be plenty of fun after a guy comes.

Rich: I also don’t think that fetishizing this is ridiculous whatsoever. It’s hot. I stan a sensitive dick. The writer says, “This sounds ridiculous, I know, but what can I do here? Put on Tinder ‘must come embarrassingly fast during sex’?” And I feel like … yes? Do that? Or some more polite version of it? Why not!

Stoya: Oh, totally.

Rich: If you go fishing for quick dick, you’re gonna be swimming in it before you know it.

Stoya: It’s online dating … you’re basically shitposting into the void. Put your desires out there loud and bold. The only risk is that someone you know might spot you and see your preferences. But that might result in even more quick dick.

Rich: I mean, there are worse reputations to have than efficiency and knowing what you want.

Stoya: I think we’ve discovered a new orientation. Like the Kinsey scale, but from efficient to marathon.

Rich: Yes! And I’m not mad at middle-distance runners. There’s a place for them, but I’ll take a sprinter every damn time if it’s up to me.

Stoya: She can also take matters into her own hands and—after a short talk about her desire—start actively trying to make them come fast. A Kegel squeeze can come in handy, especially if it’s timed with their thrusts. And depending on the guy, playing with their balls (stroking, squeezing, pulling) or pushing on their perineum might tip them over the edge. Basically, see their stamina as a challenge.

Rich: What happens when nothing works and he literally needs that 20 minutes or more? I tap out.

Stoya: Bad match, move along.

Rich: “Let’s jerk off.”

Stoya: Or, really, “Hey, that was fun, but now I’m tired.” I do that one all the time.

Rich: The good news is there must be a huge underfed market of guys who come fast who aren’t being appreciated for it. This isn’t something I hear a lot of people talking about despite the obvious truth that a lot of guys come fast from intercourse (and other things). Like I said, the stereotype suggests women want marathons, so I feel like being especially upfront will be useful.

Stoya: Agreed. I’m having a qualm though. What if guys think she’s a catfish because they’ve believed that stereotype?

Rich: That may be an issue, but I bet a good number will be intrigued enough to move things forward, anyway. Horny men are simple. And btw, the call to fast action doesn’t have to be in the profile. It could be, but she could also sort of state it upfront during a chat if she wants a bit more discretion. Just get it out quickly.