Dear Prudence

Dear Prudence Uncensored: the Extrovert and the Introvert

Every week, Danny and Nicole Cliffe discuss a Prudie letter. This week: the extrovert who moved across the country to be with her introverted boyfriend, who now doesn’t want to see her much.

Nicole: She should focus on making new friends and also tell him she can’t magically intuit when he will or won’t want her around. If he wants to get together three times a week and no more, he needs to say so.

I also don’t think that moving cities to be with someone but not live with them is generally a great plan, but am happy it happened this way for her bc I think it will hasten the end of what’s probably an incompatible relationship.

Danny: right? I have such a question there

Nicole: I AM a little weirded out by “how do I leave him alone when I know he’s home and I don’t have anyone else to talk to” bc that suggests she’s getting super isolated AND also that she might not be great at actually abiding by boundaries when he does set them.

Danny: like, did he ask you to move cities for him and then suddenly retreat?

Nicole: YEAH

Danny: also it seems so weird to be living in the same building but not together unless you have a ton of money

Nicole: Totally! But if this is escalating (he seems to be increasingly pulling back), you should move home.

They just seem to have totally different needs in a relationship.

I think people are overly obsessed w “introvert/extrovert” in general when sometimes it just means you’re not compatible and don’t want to sound blame-y.

Right now I just see someone who “loves” her but is also desperately trying to spend less and less time with her. You cannot actually have a concierge girlfriend.

Danny: Oooh, that’s a good line, Nic.

Nicole: Ugh imagine moving cities to a place you know no one except your boyfriend only to be glumly opening your apartment door to stare at his closed apartment door.

Danny: like Carrie and the Russian!

Nicole: I support anyone sufficiently enlightened to wish to live separately from their long-term romantic partner but also it’s ridiculous and don’t even suggest it to me.

Danny: It’s one thing to be across town, but the same building is all the financial drawbacks of living apart and all the proximity of living together, which is the worst of both worlds?

Nicole: Imagine explaining this to people! “Oh, Joe actually lives here too. Well, not ‘here,’ but [points right there].”

Danny: ”But Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn—” you need to stop invoking ancient gods you barely understand!

Nicole: You still have to look good when you go to the laundry room! What fuckery is this! Who is like “you know what was fun? dating in my freshman dorm?”

Danny: yeah and if you try to talk with him about it and he stays sullen and withdrawn? that is your answer! go home, roger!

and if you can’t bring yourself to have a conversation about this with him,

but also keep knocking on his door out of pure loneliness, you’ll be sad.

oh god we had a no boys on the floor after 9pm policy

Nicole: I mean she might have to wait until he changes his door signals to say “enter, woman.”

all the fun of evangelical Christian college without the sense of shared spiritual purpose, what a trip