Dear Prudence

Dear Prudence Uncensored: Virgin Bikini Wax

Every week, Danny and Nicole Cliffe discuss a Prudie letter. This week: “virgin bikini wax.”

Danny: okay for this week’s chat

Do we want “virgin bikini wax” or “nude beach employee policy”

Nicole: oh my god

OH MY GOD

Whichever you like best

Danny: let’s go with bikini wax

I just want to get this out of the way first, because I think we’re going to get letters to this effect:

the sort-of-obvious first read is “it’s unusual in this day and age to hold off on sex before marriage” + “it’s relatively unusual for straight men to get Brazilian waxes” + the assumption that grooming is always performed for someone else rather than for personal enjoyment = “your husband-to-be is gay.” So I just want to start by saying that this reading has occurred to me, and I don’t think it’s especially useful or accurate to say “if your boyfriend is committed to saving sex for marriage and also wants to get waxed, he can’t be interested in sleeping with women”

Nicole: totally, right!

And it is a unique combination! You don’t see a lot of guys getting Brazilians and saving it for marriage

Danny: but also life is a rich tapestry and people do all sorts of grooming things For Themselves, and not just The Delectation of Others

Nicole: Yeah, this is a “have a longer talk about WHY you’re uncomfortable, and do not be afraid to take him up on not doing it.”

I honestly feel like a Martian giving advice on this one, it feels alien to me and I’m not sure what’s the best way to approach it

Danny: it’s hard to figure out whether this is a one-off problem, or if it’s going to be ongoing. Does he want to start getting them regularly? At first I wondered if it was a one-time deal to get ready for their wedding, and then I reread it and realized they’re not even engaged yet.

Nicole: I think they should take a step back and talk about sexuality in general and what it means to each of them.

Danny: oh, definitely. Whatever does or doesn’t happen w/r/t his future grooming regimen, there’s clearly a big conversation they need to start.

Just because you have decided not to sleep together until after you get married doesn’t mean you can’t talk about intimacy, insecurity, jealousy, preferences, feelings, plans, desires, etc

Nicole: Indeed!

Danny: I mean, obviously everyone has different preferences but I’m also eager for you two to talk because between not having sex, apparently not talking very much about your bodies with one another, and the fact that he associates hairlessness with “cleanliness,” it makes me wonder if he’s got some shame associated with his body that might be worth talking about

Nicole: Which is rough!

Danny: Not that you can say to him, “Hey, immediately divest yourself of all encultured shame about, you know, embodiment”

Nicole: IF ONLY THAT WORKED

Danny: But your goal shouldn’t be so much to “get over this” so much as to “start talking more about your bodies and sex together”

Nicole: This is an opportunity!

Danny: Even if you two choose not to have sex that doesn’t mean it should be this big, forbidden topic!

Nicole: you may wind up being glad this disagreement occurred, if it results in learning more about your respective selves and desires.