Now that his sexual assault trial has ended with a deadlocked jury, Bill Cosby’s got a lot of time on his hands. And with his reputation in tatters, it couldn’t hurt to give back to the community, right?
Right! That’s why the man whom 60 women have accused of rape, assault, and harassment is reportedly planning a series of summer town halls in which he will teach male athletes and cheating husbands how to avoid getting accused of rape, assault, and harassment. “This is bigger than Bill Cosby. This issue”—having a woman say you raped her—“can affect any young person, especially young athletes of today,” publicist Andrew Wyatt said. “They need to know what they are facing when they are hanging out and partying, when they are doing certain things that they shouldn’t be doing. And it also affects married men.”
Cosby family spokespeople announced the comedian’s forthcoming lecture series on Good Day Alabama on Wednesday. “Is it kind of a ‘do as I say, not as I do’ situation?” host Janice Rogers asked with a chuckle. Great point, Rogers! This is like if Stephen Curry gave lessons in missing free throws, or Robert Durst started teaching classes on not getting accused of murder. He’s really, really bad at not getting accused of murder. Literally anyone else (who hasn’t been accused of murder) would be better at teaching people how to avoid inviting multiple accusations of murder. Cosby is the actual poster child for doing things that get you accused of rape.
But hey, you know what people who hate teachers say: “Those who can’t do, teach.” Perhaps Cosby’s syllabus will include such seminal works in the “don’t get accused of rape” canon as “TEN RAPE PREVENTION TIPS,” a list that includes the following nuggets: “Carry a rape whistle. If you find that you are about to rape someone, blow the whistle until someone comes to stop you,” and “When you encounter a woman who is asleep, the safest course of action is to not rape her,” and “Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks,” which should be particularly relevant to Cosby’s lesson plan.
The forthcoming anti-rape-accusation town halls will also apparently include information about statutes of limitations. “Laws are changing. The statutes of limitations for victims of sexual assault are being extended,” said Camille Cosby spokeswoman Ebonee Benson on Good Day Alabama. “So this is why people need to be educated on—a brush against the shoulder, you know, anything at this point can be considered sexual assault.” Sample course titles may include “Damn Laws Making the Legal System Slightly Less Hostile to Victims” and “When People Say You ‘Raped’ Them, They Actually Mean You Stepped on Their Toe.”
Dates for the Cosby town halls have yet to be announced. In the meantime, if he needs a TA, he should give convicted sexual assailant Brock Turner a call. Before a judge sentenced Turner to just a few months in jail for sexually abusing an unconscious young woman behind a dumpster, Turner’s father pleaded for no jail time at all, promising that his son would make the world a better place. “Brock can do so many positive things as a contributor to society and is totally committed to educating other college age students about the dangers of alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity,” Turner’s father wrote. “By having people like Brock educate others on college campuses is how society can begin to break the cycle of binge drinking and its unfortunate results.” With their powers combined, Cosby and Turner can surely stop the scourges of alcohol consumption and brushing against shoulders, which lead to unfortunate results like rape accusations. The next generation of Stanford students and famous comedians are lucky to have such brilliant role models.