White smoke billowed out of People magazine’s headquarters this morning, heralding the news that Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson would be the newest addition to America’s catalogue of potential post-apocalyptic sperm factories.
Johnson is a deserving recipient of the magazine’s annual “Sexiest Man Alive” honor, what with his muscley muscles and bald-headed, phallic silhouette. He’s got a movie, Moana, to hawk, so his publicist was probably amenable to the photo and video shoot that’s required of each sexy winner. Also, he recently proved that he could sweat through a button-down shirt at a movie premiere. Sexy!
Jezebel did some important data journalism by laying all 31 “Sexiest Man Alive” magazine covers on top of one another so we could draw a few conclusions about People’s aesthetic ideals. The average sexy man looks like David Beckham and Ryan Gosling had an out-of-focus baby. In other words, white as a punctured ball of burrata dripping down a set of Anglo-Saxon abs. This is no surprise: Johnson is only the second man of color, alongside Denzel Washington, to achieve the title.
The steaming hunk of raw male brisket that is the Rock represents another important move toward diversity from People. Johnson has repeatedly dubbed himself a “buff lesbian,” making him the first jokingly self-identified LGBTQ person, but not the first homophobe, to win the top award for sexiness in the land. In something of an ironic twist, it is suspected that Johnson’s steamy account of his own deflowering by one “Maria” in his 2000 memoir, The Rock Says…, ignited via triangulation a certain male Slate colleague’s nascent homosexual desires.
So, no snark here. Johnson has earned this medal of honor with his lifelong commitment to muscle tissue and well-buttoned cuffs. Is he sexy? Indubitably. Is he the sexiest man alive? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, those with predispositions toward sexy men should enjoy this last hurrah. President Donald J. Trump is about to take office, and word has it executive order No. 1 will name him People’s “Sexiest Man Alive OR DEAD” for the rest of eternity.