The XX Factor

Things We Hope Will Happen When Justin Trudeau Meets William, Kate, and the Royal Babies

Photo illustration by Lisa Larson-Walker. Photos by Toby Melville/Reuters, Blair Gable/Reuters, umnak/Flickr CC.

Prince William and Duchess Kate are set to visit Canada in September with their very photogenic children, Prince George and Princess Charlotte, and boy are we excited. Not because of the impressive itinerary Kensington Palace has released, chock full of wilderness exploring and First Nations celebrating, but because Canada is where a magical man called Justin Trudeau lives. You know, the prime minister? Handsome fellow, always in the news for his wedding-crashing, feminism, and shirtless cave escapades? When this hunky head honcho meets a couple of royal babies who the internet is also completely gaga for, why, just imagine the wonders that will ensue! It’s going to be madness! This alone could be good enough to make up for all that Brexit unpleasantness.

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Trudeau originally extended an invitation to the young royals to visit Canada for the nation’s 150th birthday in 2017, so it’s a little strange that they’re not waiting until next year. Maybe they wanted to get in on Trudeau’s meme streak while it’s still hot. The man has been on fire this summer; can’t blame the ever-watchful Windsors for wanting some of that sweet Trudeau PR juju!

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The royals won’t arrive on this side of the Atlantic for about a month, which gives us time to think long and hard about all the internet-breaking, eternal-glory-achieving things we hope will happen when Justin Trudeau meets George and Charlotte and their lofty ‘rents. The pressure is really on for Trudeau to do something great and rake in those likes. Think what a challenge it must be for him to continually think up new ways to outdo himself. When Jimmy Fallon wants to go viral, he has a whole writing staff at his disposal; Trudeau must do the same work using only his wits and rugged good looks. So feel free to direct the prime minister’s attention toward this wish list. (I assume his DMs are open.) Without further ado:

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  • Trudeau takes the royal family on a spelunking expedition, and this time when he pops out of a cave to surprise some unsuspecting tourists … he’ll have the future king of England in his arms! Bam! But none of that balancing a baby on one hand stuff, Justin—maybe the spare but not the heir.
  • Trudeau coaches Charlotte and George in a tots hockey game. Wayne Gretzky happens to be there too.*
  • Celine Dion pops by to teach the kids Canada’s national anthem. (Both versions.)
  • To educate them more about Canada’s rich cultural heritage, Trudeau accompanies George and Charlotte to an epic concert featuring national heroes Drake and Justin Bieber. George rocks a toddler-size OVO T-shirt, Charlotte wears a Purpose onesie, and the event is catered by Tim Hortons.
  • Trudeau wears a bathrobe for the duration of the visit, in a bid to one-up the time Prince George met President Obama in a tiny bathrobe.
  • In an act of deference to his visitors (and to the fact that Queen Elizabeth is still technically Canada’s head of state), Trudeau hosts the whole family for a Great British Bake-Off marathon. Then he challenges William and Kate to make either a poutine-flavored cake, or cake-flavored poutine.
  • Trudeau takes the whole family on a trip to Niagara Falls (Canada side, of course), complete with a boat-tour photo opp with everyone in souvenir ponchos.* Kate’s hair remains completely perfect throughout despite the extremely wet conditions.
  • This would be simple but effective: Trudeau organizes a workout session for the menfolk, aka him, Wills, and little George: situps, rope climbing, the works. The gratuitousness of two adult men showing off (ideally shirtless) will be negated by how adorable it is to see a toddler try to do situps. Perhaps Kate and Charlotte have tea with Margaret Atwood while this is happening.
  • Maybe even more diabolical: Trudeau obtains a bunch of (Canadian-breed) puppies and surprises George and Charlotte with them.
  • Trudeau gifts Charlotte a Canadian Mountie action figure and George an Anne of Green Gables doll, citing the same principles that led him to name a gender-equal cabinet: “Because it’s 2015.” Even though it is now 2016.
  • Trudeau locates Grace van Cutsem, the little girl last seen hilariously frowning and covering her ears on the balcony at William and Kate’s 2011 wedding, and forces her to stand in the background of every photo frowning and covering her ears.
  • Trudeau stages a fashion show/walk off and insists on wearing the famous sheer dress that supposedly made William fall in love with Kate. He follows this with a white lace gown with a very long train that he asks his heretofore unknown younger sibling Jippa to carry for him.
  • While leading the family on a tour of the Yukon, Trudeau happens upon a literal sword in a literal stone, which he pulls out to prove that he was the one true king of England all along. Also, his shirt somehow comes off while this is happening.
  • The trip is actually an ambush: Trudeau declares independence from the British Commonwealth once and for all, imprisons William and Kate indefinitely, and raises George and Charlotte as his own children, like how Ned Stark raised Theon Greyjoy in Game of Thrones. This, of course, would be very un-Canadian of him.

Correction, Aug. 26, 2016: This piece originally misspelled Wayne Gretzky’s last name. The piece also misstated that the group could go on a Maid of the Mist tour. The Maid of the Mist no longer operates from the Canadian side of the falls.

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