As we inch ever nearer to putting Bill Clinton back in the White House, politics-adjacent journalism has shifted its area of inquiry from what to call a president’s husband to what kind of cookies he shall bake once he’s in the White House.
The male Clinton has submitted a cookie recipe to Family Circle’s 2016 presidential bakeoff, a quadrennial atrocity birthed in 1992 after thousands of sexist jerks decried Hillary Clinton for defending her decision to work outside the home. What started as a PR stunt that helped the Clintons comfort voters whose brains short-circuited trying to imagine why a woman wouldn’t want to make raspberry thumbprints all day has turned into a tradition that reminds us, in every presidential election cycle, that politicians are judged by their spouses and those spouses are judged by their favorite desserts.
There are many flaws with Bill’s entry into this already stupid and un-American tradition.
- He picked a recipe for the world’s most boring, unimaginative, cliché cookie: chocolate chip.
- He was too much of a coward to put his name on his uninspired choice—the recipe is dubbed the “Clinton Family’s Chocolate Chip Cookies,” leaving a golden opportunity to make a feel-good statement about gender equity on the table.
- Bill might not even eat these cookies, since he follows a vegan diet and the recipe calls for eggs. (But not butter—the recipe calls for flavorless, trans-fat-rich shortening instead, another downside.)
- Lastly, and most importantly, this is the same exact recipe Hillary submitted to the cookie recipe poll in both 1992 and 1996. Be your own unique self, Bill!
In all fairness, Hillary’s submission won against both Barbara Bush’s chocolate chip also-rans and Elizabeth Dole’s pecan rolls. And if Bill doesn’t lose Hillary the presidency by running his big mouth, his gutless reliance on the old favorite might squeak her past the finish line. The winning recipes of years past, including the Clintons’, have almost always included the most American of all breakfast grains: oats.
Melania Trump’s team didn’t get that memo. She submitted an oat-free recipe for star-shaped cookies that requires two egg yolks, but only one egg white. Whoa, whoa, whoa! How many everyday Americans have the time and fine motor skills required to extract a yolk from a whole egg?! That’s a lot to ask, Trump. Next time, maybe crib the beginner-friendly white-and-dark chocolate chip number from Michelle Obama’s recipe book.