Screw the Bechdel test—even when women get leading roles onscreen, it turns out, their characters get written as if they were dreamed up by salivating teenage boys. On the @femscriptintros Twitter account, producer Ross Putman noticed some trends in introduction lines for women’s characters in film scripts: They are by turns “a raw sexual force, impeded,” “lithe, leggy, spirited,” “attractive, even now with dark semi-circles underlining her closed eyes,” and “stunning and trying her best to hide it.” They all kind of sound like they’re starring in erotic novels.
Male characters simply don’t get the same loving attention to their individual body parts and precise brands of sex appeal. All they get are fully realized characters noted more for their inner qualities and motives than their shapely silhouettes or the shininess of their hair. Here, we attempt to recitfy this imbalance by introducing iconic male characters with all the sensual specificity they deserve.
• A vision in brown robes that caress his shapely curves, OBI WAN strides toward LUKE, placing his thick, pleasure-ready fingers over LUKE’s eyes before revealing the supple visage beneath his hood in a rapid striptease.*
• New Boston Globe editor MARTY BARON, as quirky as he is adorable, gazes through spectacles and afringe of sultry lashes. His muscular, feline torso is poured into a “fuck-me” button-down.
• All conversation stops, all eyes turn to look JED BARTLET up and down. Though he’s an alluring, auburn-locked looker, he will let slip a few crucial bits of knowledge from inside his pretty little head.
• The two men spot BERNIE FOCKER, a silver fox in a silky low-cut blouse, practicing an erotic dance on his lawn. Focker is unaware of the two voyeurs with dropped jaws ogling the perspiration glistening on his collarbone, his chest bouncing with every snap of his limbs.
• JACK strides with purpose into the hotel ballroom. Fit but not fussy, his is a solid, powerful body you want to be under; his carelessly masculine features inspire a heady mix of attraction and intimidation. His hair may be thinning, but his cock-confidence is as full as ever.
• With a boom and a thud befitting of his sinewy legs for days, enter the sparkly-eyed, pink-lipped RUBEUS HAGRID. He was once a sought-after sex god, but his many years as groundskeeper of a large boarding school have taken their toll. Nevertheless, his capable manhood hasn’t shrunk a bit.
• QUEENIE notices a string of sensual moans emanating from a small bulge beneath a blanket. It is BENJAMIN (robotic baby replica). Though he is but an infant unaware of his sex appeal, and folds of aging flesh envelop his features, his indisputable virility begs her touch.
*Correction, Feb. 10, 2016: This post originally misstated that Obi Wan Kenobi’s robes are black. They are brown.