The XX Factor

Yelp Reviews of the DMV and Planned Parenthood: Can You Tell Them Apart?

California DMV
Outside the DMV in Los Angeles.

Photo by ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images

This week the Federalist published a series of one- and two-star Yelp reviews of Planned Parenthood locations, painting the health-care centers as bleak and disorganized. Women have the right to access birth control, STI testing, and abortion services, it seems, but not to resort-quality amenities. Hmph! The reviews published by the Federalist are wonderfully banal: As in many community health clinics—and plenty of private practices, too—the waits at Planned Parenthood can be long; its staff is underpaid, overworked, and sometimes either checked-out or rude (or both!); and its ambience is more blah than spa.

It kind of sounds like a trip to the DMV, actually. And Yelp commenters, in their way, kind of agree!

Below, we’ve grouped Yelp comments on Planned Parenthood and the Department of Motor Vehicles under categories of what the two institutions have in common—try to guess which comment pertains to which. (All typos and grammatical errors are preserved from the originals.)

Apathetic Robots with Long Nails

(A) “The representative did not say hi, make eye contact or exert one bit of energy for ANY customer… She seemed like a robot waiting to retire. I just couldn’t believe how long her nails.” 

(B) “The problem is their staff is basically malfunctonal… just can’t care less…Besides that, I had never seen…such long & dirty fake nails and so many rings on the fingers like hers!”

And These Are Robots Who Yell

(C) “[T]he older heavy set lady (not sure of her title) was very loud and aggressive with one of her co-workers (small older woman) thought to be very unprofessional!”

(D) “The employees are extremely rude. They clearly don’t care about their cusomers. One lady yelled at me for holding the intercom too long, they take forever to open it anyways and honestly if she would have said “please ma’am could you not do that next time” that would’ve been great. But no, this lady YELLED.”

Crowded Waiting Rooms of Waiting Crowds

(E) “When I arrived that morning, there was a full waiting room. As is usual, no one acknowledged me (or even looked my way) as I checked in. I proceeded to wait for 55 minutes…The staff couldn’t care less.”

(F) “There were about forty chairs on one side of the room - all full.  Another fifty or so chairs on the other side - mostly full, with a dozen or so people standing around in various stages of disbelief…The lack of service and friendliness at this particular location was astonishing, and that people were clearly waiting for most of the day to be seen at all is just ridiculous.”

Really, Guys, The Wait Times Are Just Ridiculous

(G) “The staff is rude and is constantly talking on their cell phones and ignoring you…Also, if you are going here, clear about three or four hours off of your schedule.”

(H) “The service was completely lacking. I arrived half an hour early, and had to wait while the staff went to lunch.”

An Overall Atmosphere of Sad Resignation to a Bitter Fate

(I) “Poor service. Poor attitudes. Cold environment…The employees seemed miserable and apathetic about working there.”

(J) “This location is so sad. Ex ray machine and medal detecter. People wait a half hour or more. It almost going in the a prison.”

Answers: (A) DMV; (B) Planned Parenthood; (C) DMV; (D) Planned Parenthood; (E) Planned Parenthood; (F) DMV; (G) DMV; (H) Planned Parenthood; (I) Planned Parenthood; (J) DMV