Miz Cracker’s Guide to Halloween Drag

The wonderful holiday of Halloween—or as we like to call it at Outward, Hallowqueen!—has come back around, and with it, the temptation for gays and straights alike to try their hands at a little drag. But the road to contoured glory is paved with bad wigs and broken heels. To help you avoid the worst mistakes, we’ve resurrected this first-time-in-drags tutorial from regular contributor Miz Cracker.

Drag, as we’ve explored in Outward before, is an artform that demands a considerable amount of commitment. And yet each year on or around Oct. 31, many people—especially many gay men—decide on a whim to try their heretofore unpolished hands at queendom. Tacky wigs are pulled on backward, borrowed heels are crammed onto untrained feet, best girlfriends misguidedly apply tasteful makeup, and groan-inducing “drag names” like Jenna Sayqua are loosed upon the world—all in the service of an ill-considered “costume.”

For decades, professional queens have looked askance at this behavior from beneath their giant lashes; but this year, Outward’s resident drag expert, Miz Cracker, has deigned to trade shade for salvation. If this All Hallows’ Eve will be, as Junior LaBeija so memorably puts it in Paris Is Burning, your “first time in drags,” you’d do well to study Cracker’s rules for success. After all, as RuPaul herself has taught us, when doing drag the most important rule of all is: “Don’t fuck it up.” Happy Halloqueen!