What Is Straight Ice Cream?

Ice cream for the hetero set. 

Courtesy of Big Gay Ice Cream’s Twitter account.

The culture wars have been fought on all manner of terrain over the years, but as far as I know, Rocky Road is new ground. Sugary shots were fired in New York City over the weekend as Gallo Nero, an Italian restaurant located in Manhattan’s West Village, posted an advertisement for its ice cream offerings that seemed to mock its famous neighbor the Big Gay Ice Cream shop. The sign, featuring two rather drab looking cones of different flavors leaning suggestively toward each other, proclaimed that here customers could find “The Big STRAIGHT ice cream.”

While it’s difficult to discern whether the Gallo Nero ad was malicious or just a badly played joke—statements to local media have been cryptic—the notion of “straight” ice cream is a fascinating one. Gay ice cream, at least as the “Big” guys define it, means frozen creations that are often named after campy gay icons like Bea Arthur and rambunctious flavor combinations (apple butter and bourbon butterscotch; key lime curd and graham crackers) that are clearly homosexual. Gay ice cream is also generally served in the presence of drag queen unicorn.

Detail from a Big Gay Ice Cream ad.

Big Gay Ice Cream Facebook page. 

But what of straight ice cream? Gallo Nero’s poster suggests this means plain, old-fashioned flavors like chocolate, and perhaps, if you’re feeling kinky, a dollop of passion fruit Greek yogurt (not pictured for decency’s sake). However, one imagines that they are still building out their menu, so here are a few more super-straight ideas from the team at Slate:

Peanut Butter and Just Peanut Butter, Nothing Unexpected Mixed in With the Peanut Butter: Don’t worry, it’s really just peanuts that have been non-homosexually pureed into a butter.

Un-Frutti Tutti: None of that “exotic” stuff here—just a solid serving of wholesome, old-fashioned tutti.

The CBS Sundae: A wonderfully forgettable mélange of the blandest, straightest, most uncontroversial ingredients in our kitchen.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Doughn’t Look at My Butt in the Locker Room: Because, as ESPN warns us, you can never be too careful.

Dockers Dollop: Vehemently boring and always ill-fitting, you’ll never raise eyebrows with this classic concoction.  

Chubby Hubby and Wife: Man was not meant to live alone, and neither was your sloppily mannish ice cream scoop—adorn it with an appropriately feminine, meek, and well-manicured add-on of wife.

Beer Raisin’: Your heterosexuality will be validated with each performative spoonful.

Absolutely Non-Rainbow Sherbet: A sherbet of up to two colors. (Customers MUST choose from opposite sides of the color wheel.)

Cinnabun in the Oven: Defend the “natural family” while you lick with this fertile, procreation-dipped cone.

Vanilla: Aggressively so.