Gwyneth Paltrow is launching a Goop pop-up shop in Brentwood, California, or as Paltrow puts it, a #gooppop. If you have somehow come this far with little exposure to Gwyneth Paltrow’s upstart online lifestyle brand, congratulations. You are truly #blessed. A brief primer to prep you for Goop’s invasion of the physical world:
Why is it called a #gooppop? It’s a store, right? Rising above normal human language is the ultimate mark of luxury.
What treasures await us there? If Goop’s online offerings are any indication, shoppers will finally come face to face with a $1,200 exclusive malachite andu (a box), a $156 amethyst tigela (a bowl), a $175 fez stripe pale indigo cushion (a pillow), a $495 pair of garda cut from magenta pony hair and beige leather (I don’t know—they look like Vans), a $565 double wrap faceted pyrite bracelet with diamond ohm charm (beads on a string), a $185 le cut off short (cut-off shorts), and a $2,595 exclusive cashmere cape (a Snuggie).
Why? Now that even America’s poor can afford to purchase televisions and clothe themselves, the rich must work harder to demonstrate their wealth, infusing amethysts into their cereal bowls, protecting their keepsakes inside even more expensive keepsakes, and applying code-names to their slip-ons. (“I like your shoes.” “That’s no shoe—it’s garda.”) But displaying all of these riches online—where anyone with public library access can feast on them with their eyes—is a shade déclassé. Better to nestle these wares between a pressed juicery and something called “Calypso St. Barth,” where only the truly prosperous are likely to happen upon them.
What’s the upside? If we’re lucky, when the Earth is but a smoldering husk of a planet, and all e-newsletters have been lost to time, a more advanced people may excavate our #gooppop, and they will know where we erred.