What Is Your Funniest Story From Being a Cop?

Not everything is always as it seems.

This question originally appeared on Quora.

Answer by Bob Cooke, retired special agent in charge, Caifornia Department of Justice, Bureau of Narcotic Enforcement:

Well, this incident occurred a very long time ago. I was dispatched to a report of a domestic disturbance. A husband had returned home and heard some noise from his bedroom. It was after midnight and no one was supposed to be home. His wife worked a late shift at a local bar. He called out loudly that he had a gun and was going to shoot whoever was in his bedroom. As he crashed through the door, a man jumped out the second story bedroom window, and the husband’s naked wife screamed from bed that some man had tried to sexually assault her.

All of that information had been broadcast over the police radio. I was driving into the area and saw something unusual. A man was attempting to run down the sidewalk and get dressed at the same time. It seemed a bit unusual so I pulled over, told him to stop what he was doing, and assume the felonious pronious. In other words, “get on the ground” and put your hands out. I looked down at him and then started laughing until I almost passed out.

Here was a local bartender that I knew (from a many police contacts in his bar) laying face down. He had a lady’s black top pulled over his head that barely covered his chest. He had also tried to pull up a pair of ladies black underwear and woman’s black slacks but couldn’t get them up over this thighs.

Something told me that this bartender was the other half of the suspicious activity at the apartment. I called my partner who was inside the apartment trying to get the story from the husband and wife. I asked him to go into the bedroom to look for any clothing that might be on the floor. Sure enough there was a bartender’s black shirt, with his name embroidered, black slacks, and underwear down inside the slacks.

Yes, you guessed it. The bartender had closed the bar early to help the waitress count her tips. In their haste to get naked, they had both peeled off their clothes and laid them on the floor next to the bed. They were both naked in bed when the husband arrived. When the bartender jumped off of her and vaulted out the window, he had grabbed the wrong pile. He could not figure out why his clothes were so tight as he tried to get them on while on the run.

It also was funny as hell because they both needed to exchange their clothing. They were all pretty embarrassed. My shift partners and I laughed about that for a long time.

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