Have you recently given birth to a baby girl, only to find that she is a bulbous, hairless, 8-pound elderly man? Hair-replacement expert Lisa Griggs-Campbell is here to help: Enter Baby Bangs!, the infant beauty product “for the girl who has everything—except hair!”
“I’m not a boy!” says one hypothetical baby on the Baby Bangs! website, whose speech and understanding of gender is very advanced.
“THEY REALLY MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE ON THE BABIES. I CAN’T BELIEVE THE CHANGE IT MADE IN EMILY. THANK GOODNESS SHE HAS HAIR NOW,” adds a satisfied St. Louis grandmother.
“Very cute and apropos in our image-conscious modern world,” a Boulder, Colo., designer weighs in.
“At Baby Bangs! we believe in the beauty of childhood,” Griggs-Campbell writes. But staying beautiful is hard work, and your baby might as well learn that lesson now. Children are born naturally hideous until an adult affixes “silky strands of monofiber kanekal” to their heads, “arranged in the cutest most adorable elfish coiffure.” Baby Bangs! cost $29.95 per hairpiece, a small price to pay for a tiny wig capable of initiating your amorphous infant into womanhood.
Soon, the monofiber kanekal will become second nature to your baby. “It’s quick, easy, and baby barely knows it’s there,” the company says. In fact, your newborn barely even knows that she is there, much less that she has already failed to maintain her feminine appearance in the first weeks of her life. Try putting a mirror in front of your baby. She doesn’t even know what it’s for! (Judging her normal human appearance as inadequate).
There’s just one thing that Baby Bangs! can’t resolve: “We do not recommend leaving baby bangs … on any child while sleeping,” the company FAQ reads. The second your baby closes her eyes, she reverts back to bald man. Night night, ugly baby.