Congratulations to gay people nationwide! Your hard-fought battle to have your marriages treated as equal by the federal government has been won! I personally could not be happier about this decision and what it means for my gay friends and relatives. But beware: Before the ink dries on this momentous decision, the wedding industrial complex is waiting to greet you in its warm, expensive embrace.
In a stroke of marketing genius, the Knot launched the first edition of its gay weddings digital magazine Wednesday, so you won’t have to go more than a few minutes between hearing this historic news and brainstorming about tablescapes, discussing how to include your dog as the flower girl, and perusing St. Germain cocktail recipes provided by the issue’s sponsor.
There’s actually two editions, one for lady couples and one for gent couples—with gender appropriate, gorgeous “real” wedding eye candy that’s de rigueur in rags like Brides and Martha Stewart Weddings. Each edition has the same front-of-the-book text, and finally you can gorge yourself on vague and glib wedding advice, which is sorta tailored to you, same-sex couple, but really is just the same silly garbage wedding magazines have been telling straight people forever. My favorite column is “35 Questions You Might Have About a Gay Wedding.” A few of the questions are serious and legitimate, such as: “Do we invite family members who haven’t been supportive of our union to our wedding?” (Answer: Whatever you feel most comfortable with.) But most are eye-scratchingly asinine, paraphrased here:
Q: Where can I find a cake topper with two brides?
A. How convenient! We sell them at right here at theknotshop.com!
Q: Should we register for gifts?
A: HELL YES YOU SHOULD!!!!! HOW COULD YOU CONSIDER EVER NOT REGISTERING???!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???
Q: We don’t want to have a traditional wedding, just a great dinner party. Any advice?
A: If you choose, at your peril, to eliminate all of the trappings of straight weddings, your guests will be BORED. IT WILL BE THE WORST. Therefore you must hire a tango dancer or a drag queen to entertain them so your wedding doesn’t suck.
Q: What are some fun songs for our first dance?
A: Whitney Houston, Whitney Houston, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” Whitney Houston.
The rest of the questions are all easily answered by Google—and common sense.
If you choose to get married as a result of this decision, as a newlywed myself, I lovingly advise you to steel your defenses for the aggressive onslaught that sees you first and foremost as a consumer. Do whatever you want to make your wedding your own, and don’t let two grooms on the cover of a magazine convince you that you must follow the wedding industry’s expensive and elaborate rules that are all very much based around the most traditional ideas of straight marriage. Now go out and drink some “Down with DOMA” champagne.