The XX Factor

How Do You Maintain Desire in a Long-Term Relationship? Go Crazy Before Committing.


Earlier this week we asked you, readers, to write in telling us how you maintain desire in a long-term relationship. We wanted solutions you may have found to the problem of monogamy, experiments that have failed, and perhaps a defense of sexual fidelity itself. Many of you responded. We published some responses yesterday and have a few more today.

From: Caroline

So the question was “How can women maintain desire within long-term committed relationships?”
I’m 34 years old, I’ve been with my partner for two years now and can see myself spending the rest of life with him. My solution to maintain desire? Two things:
1) Brutal (but considerate) honesty: Very early on we promised each other to be honest about what we like, if something the other does doesn’t float our boat, if the other is letting him/herself go physically, if we want to try something new, etc. And we’re doing it! We are honest with each other and can take constructive criticism knowing that it will only improve our relationship. It doesn’t mean we have to accept everything that’s being said/suggested but at least the door is open to discussing it (and that’s not just in the bedroom).
2) I’ve “been there, done that.” Prior to meeting my partner, I had been quite… “adventurous” sexually. I tried many things, with good and less good people, and with good and less good results. And so I truly, deeply, know I’m not missing anything out there. My partner is kind, considerate, kinky and always puts my pleasure first (unless I ask him otherwise). He has taken the time learn what I like, and me what he likes, and we happen to be completely compatible (that’s probably down to luck). Throughout all my “experiments” I’ve never been as sexually satisfied as I am today, so I don’t miss the one-night stands, the weird (and sometimes borderline creepy) locales, etc. Having a comparison point, I know what I have now is the best for me, so I can’t see myself growing tired of it. What I’m saying basically is that I can’t get too much of a good thing. And I know, should I miss “sexual adventure” some time, I can talk to my partner about trying it together (as per 1 above).

Previously in this series:

How Do You Maintain Desire in a Long-Term Relationship? Costumes.

How Do You Maintain Desire in a Long-Term Relationship? Date Outside the Marriage.

How Do You Maintain Desire in a Long-Term Relationship? Group Sex.