The XX Factor

The Mixology of Man Sauce and Breast Milk, Gross

Step 1: Sip drink. Step 2: Ask what’s in drink. Step 3: Use toothpick to gouge out your eyes.

Photo by Isaac Brekken/Getty Images for Nightclub & Bar Media Group

I had a great time serving as taste-tester extraordinaire during Slate’s March Madness Martini Bracket. I met some interesting people, gained insight into the rhetoric of the Washington boys’ club crowd at happy hour, and developed a taste for gin martinis. After the assignment, I was eager to taste and contribute more. But I’ve since learned of one type of cocktail, thankfully not included in the bracket, that would have made my human-guinea-pig duties much harder to swallow.

Ladies and gentlemen: the semen-based cocktail.

As SF Weekly reports, semen-cooking enthusiast Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer has followed up his 2011 Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes with Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook, which comes in a dual volume set.

Recipes include the “Watermelon Gin Jizz,” “Slightly Saltier Caviar,” and “Mexican Cumslide.”

Photenhauer says he uses these recipes to enhance intimacy during sexual encounters, but I’m not sure how keen most women would be to be served a cocktail which gives new meaning to the term “food porn.”

While not proven, alleged health benefits that come from ingesting seminal plasma are said to include increased energy, improved quality of sleep, and reduced stress. (I think I’d prefer to work out and eat my vegetables.)

But semen isn’t the only human excretion making its way into our drinks.

Breast-milk cocktails are, surprisingly, more common than one might think. In 2010, the Huffington Post ran a piece on “mother’s milk cocktails for stay-at-home-dads.” Writer and father Tony Sachs had developed a series of cocktails mixed with his wife’s milk in an effort to alleviate the surplus she was producing. Father knows breast, I suppose.

Among the concoctions were “The Boob Abides” (a lot like a traditional White Russian), “ ‘Taking Brandy from a Baby’ Milk Punch,” and “Medela Tequila Punch” (Medela is a breast pump brand).

Both the semen and breast milk cocktails are worrisome given that HIV, CMV (herpes virus), and other STI’s are transferred through the exchanging, and presumably sipping, of bodily fluids.

While I fancy a creative martini, I don’t think I’ll be venturing into the land of semen or breast-milk infused drinks anytime soon, or ever. That’s pretty much the jizz-st of it.