Got a burning question for Prudie? She’ll be online at Washingtonpost.com to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.
I’m in my mid-40s and have a relatively successful career. For more than 20 years I’ve exaggerated on my résumé, in particular regarding my education. I got comfortable with the lie and no one ever questioned my “degree.” A few months ago a recruiter from a prestigious company reached out to me about a position in his organization. I had multiple interviews and was getting great feedback. Then, they went quiet. I contacted everyone I spoke with and received no response. I was stunned since everyone had been so responsive when I was there. A few days ago I received an email from one of the people who interviewed me. It was just a link to an article about the importance of checking a candidate’s references. I had a scalding moment of humiliation and understood the silence. That stupid lie about my education got me. I immediately removed the lie from my résumé. Here’s my problem: My professional network is comprised of people who are connected to the organization I interviewed at. I’m terrified that this lie is going to follow me to my current position. Should I go to my employer and confess my false education history? I can’t afford to lose my job, yet I know if my company finds out on their own, that’s what will happen. I’m so ashamed and want to learn from this mistake.
A few years ago the beloved dean of admissions at MIT had to resign when it was revealed she had fabricated her education credentials, ironically proving that advanced degrees were not a requirement for her job. Your success shows that the degree you claimed to have but actually don’t wasn’t a necessity for your job, either. (But please don’t tell me you’re a neurosurgeon or a nuclear engineer.) If you want the catharsis of coming clean with your company, your confession will likely give you plenty of free time to contemplate your original deception. I spoke to employment attorney Philip J. Gordon who said that volunteering this information will raise two questions with your current employer: Why is this person updating her résumé, and, What are we going to do about this fraud? Flagging for them that you’re likely looking for another job and admitting that you’ve been misleading them for years about your education will force them to act. They cannot afford to set a precedent that misrepresentation of credentials can go unpunished. Gordon says the consequences for you could range from placing a note in your file and putting you in a warning period to firing you. I’m all for honesty, but in this case I think a more fitting punishment would be for you to keep quiet and simply join the ranks of people with inflated résumés whose eyes pop open from guilt at 3 a.m. some nights. (Gordon points out this calculation is different if you lack a required credential that could create serious liability for your employer.) As for the interviewers at the other company ratting you out, put aside that fear. The person who sent you that note was simply doing you a favor. Everyone knows it is extremely bad form for those reviewing job candidates to blab about who came through the office. Recommit to being an impeccable employee and hold your head high, even if it never did wear the mortarboard you claim.
Dear Prudence: Boss Turned Cougar
When I was in college, there was a religious leader, quite a bit older, who was a teacher and mentor to me. As I neared the end of my college career, the relationship grew friendlier, and I would sometimes be uncomfortable because of the way he gave compliments to some women and was a little too touchy. After I graduated a female friend of mine and I went on a short trip with him and we slept in the same hotel room, all in separate beds. It seemed to be a nice transition between the mentor/student relationship to a possible friendship. It’s been a couple of years since I graduated, and I’ve kept in touch with him. Recently he had his heart broken by a woman he was dating. He started reaching out to me and a few of his other students, all females my age, and we would listen to him in an attempt to help. He took me and a friend out for drinks one night, where he got completely wasted and couldn’t keep his hands off either one of us. It was nothing sexual or threatening, just lots of hugging and hand-holding. I have had coffee with him a couple of times since then, and both times he has invited me back to his apartment, which I declined. Last week, he invited me on a short trip. He’s offered to pay, and while I know he won’t try anything, I am uncomfortable about it. My other female friends don’t seem to think there’s anything odd about his attempts at friendship, so am I reading too much into this? How do I tell him to lay off without hurting his feelings since he’s emotionally fragile right now? I do enjoy spending time with him, but it’s hard not to be on edge and I wonder if I’m just being too uptight.
Your college needs to add a couple of seminars to their course catalog. The first semester offering should be Spotting Manipulative Creeps followed by Reporting Creeps to the Authorities. I sincerely hope you and your friends are in the minority of young adults in your inability to recognize a sicko who gets his rocks off by exploiting his relationship to young women. This guy is not your friend, he is yet another man with a collar and a title who is using his position for his own emotional and sexual ends. (I disagree with your assertion he’ll never go beyond hugs and hand-holding, which are bad enough.) While trying to stay within the legal line, he’s taken advantage of the renewable resource his job provides: naive girls. You may no longer be a student, but his impropriety began when he was your teacher and he was able to build on it after your graduation. Emotionally fragile, indeed! By the standards of any college and religious group, he has violated numerous rules of conduct and you should blow the whistle on him. I think you should contact the dean of student affairs at your school and say you recognize now how inappropriate the behavior of this faculty member has been. This man also needs a permanent leave of absence from your life. When this “mentor” calls to firm up travel plans, tell him that you’re not going away with him now or ever. I hope you are confident enough to tell him you cannot be his confidante and that he needs to find professional help for his personal troubles.
I’m a 30-year-old woman whose parents got divorced when I was 15. My father has never been open about having a relationship since the divorce. I was visiting him a while ago and went to look up something on his iPad. His mail browser was open and I happened to see an email between him and another man with the sign off “love you.” I know I shouldn’t have looked any further, but this was a surprising turn of events. So I scrolled through the emails and I’m quite certain that my father is in a relationship with this man. I haven’t said anything, but I feel burdened by this secret. I love my father so much and I don’t care if he’s gay. I’d actually be thrilled to know that he isn’t alone and is in a happy relationship. I realize I’m getting dramatic, but I dread never talking about it and then at his funeral meeting his male lovers. I’m upset my father thinks this needs to be a secret and I also want to know the person my father is in love with! I’m wondering how to bring this up without it being embarrassing or putting him on the spot. We are close but don’t have the type of relationship where we just talk about everything and he’s always been evasive on the subject of relationships.
—Outing My Dad
It’s so true that we now have unprecedented ability to track in real-time our loved one’s secret lives. It will be a little sad to see the end of the box of mementos, found after the death of one’s nearest and dearest, which reveals shocking and unexpected twists in the psyches of those we thought we knew best. But now there aren’t letters and snapshots. Instead practically all of us carry our own dossiers and tracking devices. Sure, you snooped, but I can understand your following the tantalizing clue that Dad’s lonely bachelor persona is just a cover for a fulfilling gay life. How sad that even as the world has changed so dramatically around him, your father apparently feels such a sense of shame that he doesn’t want you to know. All you can do is be brave enough to tell him and assure him you’re happy about this discovery. I’m betting that once he gets over his instinctive fatherly reaction to chide you for going through his things, he will feel an enormous sense of relief that the secret, and he, are out. If he’s able to open up about his life and loves, the next time you visit you must watch together the lovely movie on this theme, Beginners.
My live-in boyfriend spent some of his formative years abroad and came to swear by the bidet. He claims it is more hygienic and feels better than using toilet paper. The problem is that he has been unable to kick his reliance on this method. Needless to say, there are few bidets available to him in the States. He has thus taken matters into his own hands. His preferred method of cleaning is to wipe once or twice and then to hop up onto the sink and clean out there, using water, soap, and his hand. While this grossed me out at first, we have agreed that this is OK in our bathroom as long as he cleans the sink and his hands afterward. We differ, however, on what is acceptable outside of our home. If the sink is sturdy and private, he engages in this style of personal hygiene at the houses of our friends and family. I have told him that I think it is gross and inappropriate for him to use his makeshift method at other people’s houses; he counters that that he makes sure to leave the bathroom clean for the next occupant. Please clean this up for us once and for all!
Your letter gave me such a sinking feeling. Now I live in fear that my overnight guests who lived abroad might end up on the floor of the bathroom, straddling the formerly free-standing sink. Maintaining acceptable cleanliness should not require the skills of a contortionist. Tell your boyfriend to climb out of other people’s fixtures and give him a travel pack of wet wipes. (There’s also this high-end answer for your home.) Another solution was hit upon by legendary director Billy Wilder. While on a trip to France his wife requested he bring back a bidet for her. He cabled this reply: “Bidet impossible to obtain. Suggest handstand in shower.”
More Dear Prudence Columns
“Compassion Without Passion: My husband’s brain injury ended our romance. Should I take a lover?” Posted Jan. 26, 2012.
“Maid of Dishonor: Should I skip a wedding because my girlfriend hooked up with three of the groomsmen?” Posted Jan. 19, 2012.
“Schoolgirl Fantasy: My boyfriend wants me to call him “Daddy” during sex. Gross!” Posted Jan. 12, 2012.
“Love Is in the Air: Is breaking wind in front of your boyfriend worth breaking up over?” Posted Jan. 5, 2012.
More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts
“Workplace Rivalry: During a live chat, Dear Prudence advises a worker whose colleague impersonated her to sabotage a rival job candidate.” Posted Feb. 6, 2012.
“One-Night Stand or Rape?: In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman whose friend revised the story of a drunken encounter with a stranger.” Posted Jan. 30, 2012.
“Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?: In a live chat, Dear Prudence offers advice on whether an unfaithful spouse can be an honest businessman.” Posted Jan. 23, 2012.
“Pregnant Pause: In a live chat, Dear Prudence advises an expecting woman who isn’t sure she wants to move closer to her baby’s father.” Posted Jan. 17, 2012.