The Democratic National Convention Committee released a more complete list this morning of speakers for the convention, and the buzz is all about how it’s not just female-heavy, but feminist-heavy. It’s a clear appeal to women voters, a way for the Democrats to stand out as inclusive while the Republicans try to figure out just how raped a rape victim has to be before the state should be allowed to take mercy on her soul. But according to the logic of Kevin Williamson of National Review, they needn’t bother because Romney should get the lady vote for “evolutionary” reasons. You see, Williamson read in a pick-up artist manual that women become helplessly horny in the presence of rich assholes, and since women don’t so much pull the voting lever as hump it enthusiastically, Romney has this election wrapped up. Or he should, as long as he lets out his inner Patrick Bateman.
Lest you think I’m exaggerating Williamson’s argument, let me assure I am not:
From an evolutionary point of view, Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote. You can insert your own Mormon polygamy joke here, but the ladies do tend to flock to successful executives and entrepreneurs. Saleh al-Rajhi, billionaire banker, left behind 61 children when he cashed out last year. We don’t do harems here, of course, but Romney is exactly the kind of guy who in another time and place would have the option of maintaining one. He’s a boss.
Reading the piece in its entirety, however, it becomes clear that when Williamson claims that Romney’s out-of-touch bully arouses “women,” he means “Kevin Williamson.” The entire three-page piece borrows its tone from websites where women swap fan-fiction stories in which Edward and Jacob kick Bella out of the house so they can reallly get down to business. Indeed, Williamson could give E.L. James a run for her money. I haven’t read any Fifty Shades books, but I’ll bet that no matter how kinky they get, they don’t involve the kind of earthy sperm worship that Williamson offers his fantasy boyfriend Mitt Romney.
Have a gander at that Romney family picture: five sons, zero daughters. Romney has 18 grandchildren, and they exceed a 2:1 ratio of grandsons to granddaughters (13:5). When they go to church at their summer-vacation home, the Romney clan makes up a third of the congregation. He is basically a tribal chieftain.
Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes.
He’s so manly that his balls only shoot Y chromosomes! Swoon. Perhaps Romney and Williamson should run away together and create Republican Island, a paradise populated by Romney’s female-free powers of procreation. No need to conduct a war on women when there aren’t any women around. A magical island, free of skirt suits and income taxes, where, to quote Bucky Bright of 30 Rock, “If you wanted to do something private with another man, it wasn’t gay. It was just two men … celebrating each other’s strength.” I mean, women like to watch True Blood. Clearly, Williamson has unlocked the secret to getting female voters onto Team Romney. If naked wrestling has to be part of the mission, well, he’s ready to serve his party.