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There are two little girls in my neighborhood seeking my attention. Several weeks ago they started coming up to my house uninvited to play on my porch swing. One day I noticed they were playing a little too roughly, and I told them that they’re only allowed to sit there as long as they swing gently. I stayed outside for about 20 minutes and talked to them about school, favorite movies, pets, and such. Ever since that conversation, they flock to my porch and have begun ringing my doorbell daily to ask if I can talk to them. I don’t always oblige, but when I do it’s usually the better part of an hour before I can manage to duck out of the incessant chattering. They’re sweet and I don’t mind spending time with them once in a while. They live with their single father, who has a limited income and has a gruff personality and doesn’t behave very tenderly toward his daughters. I’m pretty sure they lack a stable female influence, which is why I feel so guilty for being annoyed by them. They could clearly use a sensitive listener in their lives. How can I tell them that the badgering must stop without making them feel as if I’m rejecting them?
—Want To Be a Good Neighbor
I wish you hadn’t painted such a poignant picture of these two little girls longing for someone in their lives who has a motherly gentleness and regard. You have no obligation to them beyond being pleasant in a distant, neighborly way. But I hope you will be moved to do more. It’s commonplace to hear stories of successful people who came from difficult childhoods and credit a teacher, a neighbor, a volunteer, with making them feel special, encouraged, heard. Perhaps you can set up a time for the girls to help you with certain chores—they could join you in weeding and watering the garden, walking the dog, cooking. That way you wouldn’t feel they’re a drain on your time, and conversation would flow while you were doing your tasks and they were learning from you. If you make your get-togethers regular and contained, say, every Thursday afternoon for an hour or so, then it would be much easier to set limits at other times. (“Girls, I have work, so I can’t talk to you now. But I look forward to spending time with you in two days.”) You would have to run this idea by their father, but please don’t imply they are imposing on your or becoming pests—that would likely result in a serious reprimand. You can also tell the girls they are welcome on your porch if they swing gently, but you can’t come out all the time because you are busy. If you do see them consistently, then down the road you would be in a position to suggest to the father that Big Brothers Big Sisters, for example, might be a good organization for the girls. It’s possible, if you step up, that you will find you’re getting as much out of this friendship as they are.
Dear Prudence: Novelist Drawing Too Much on Real Life?
I have a 9-year-old son, “Jake,” who is starting to ask questions about his deceased grandfather. When I was 13, my parents divorced, and about a year later my mother began dating. My father found out about the boyfriend and came over, killed him, then killed himself in front of my mother and me. The trouble I’m having is telling my son how his grandfather died. I don’t want to give him the perception that my father was a monster, because he certainly wasn’t. He went through a crippling depression and made a horrible decision to end his pain. How do I convey to him what happened without making my father seem like a bad person?
When you eventually tell your son the whole story, it’s going to require that you acknowledge you went through a terrifying trauma and that your father committed a horrifying act. I understand your need to put the best light on this, but an innocent person was murdered, and you and your mother were forced to witness two point-blank deaths. However, I doubt Jake is expecting to uncover this family nightmare; he probably just wants to know why you never talk about your dad. The most important thing for Jake to know is that he can ask questions about his grandfather and that you are comfortable answering them. Since he’s brought up your father, start by showing him some pictures and telling him some pleasant memories. You can say that your father died when you were 13. If Jake doesn’t ask how, you can save that information for later. If he does, here’s a resource for helping to explain suicide to children. You can say your father had a brain illness called depression, and though there is help for that now, he didn’t get it back then and he killed himself. You can then say it’s a sad story that’s kind of complicated, so you would like to talk more about it with him when he gets older. For now you’d like him to know some interesting things about your dad’s life. And if the thought of telling, and reliving, what you went through is causing you understandable anxiety, then you might want some counseling to help you deal with your own pain.
I just finished my freshman year in college and have found out who my new roommate will be in September. It’s someone I’ve gotten to know a little bit, and when I told him that I was gay he said he “doesn’t agree with homosexuality.” Yet he’s had homosexual experiences. He flirted with me, kissed me, and we’ve even taken things a little bit further. I know he’s a Christian and I know he views homosexuality as a sin or whatever. I don’t want him to end up hating himself because of me, but I also want to date this guy! However, I’m not sure if I can help him accept himself. A part of me thinks that I should request a roommate swap, but another part of me doesn’t want to hurt him. What should I do?
—Chasing Mr. Closet-Case
A closeted homophobe with whom you’ve made out does not sound like good roommate material. It’s a poor idea to want to get intimately involved with someone you will be forced to sleep a few feet away from for the entire school year no matter what happens. It’s likely he will either be fending you off, or giving in to you. If you two do have a sexual relationship that then ends, it’s not as if you can avoid each other. So talk to your potential roommate now. Tell him that you really like him, but given the strained circumstances that already exist between the two of you, you’re wondering if he’s been thinking, as you have, that rooming together is not a great idea. Discussing this maturely will help you two then explain to the housing office that you’ve mutually agreed a change of roommate is for the best.
I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years, and for most of that time we’ve lived in his home country of Greece. There has been a recent fad going on here. A record number of the men are getting “manhood” extension surgery. My husband wants this surgery. I don’t think it’s necessary, or safe. I’ve tried talking him out of it, but he’s insisting on getting this done. I’ve read articles that when the economy is bad, women turn to brighter lipstick colors or higher heeled shoes. Is this the same thing for men? Can you help me help him?
—He Wants To Be Adonis
I’m sure many Greek men feel they have been given the short end of the stick. But it’s insane to respond by paying a doctor to give them the shaft. I suppose it’s good to know that even as the economy limps along and public workers are getting laid off, there is at least a thriving market for pubic workers. According to the Economist, Greek men get more penis enlargement procedures than the males of any other country. This sounds nuts to me, but there must be some vas deferens between the psyche of the Greek man and his more confident brethren. You are right to be concerned. This article surveys penis enlargement procedures, and one has to conclude that as a medical practice, they’re all cocked up. For starters, side effects include “infections, nerve damage, reduced sensitivity, and difficulty getting an erection.” Even if the surgery works, the penis is barely noticeably larger, but scarring can end up making it smaller. So the nub of what you must convey to your husband is this: Beware of Greeks cutting dicks.
More Dear Prudence Columns
“Cat Got Your Tongue?: A woman involved in the mysterious disappearance of a feline doesn’t know whether to cover up or confess.” Posted July 21, 2011.
“Almost Famous: My rock-star ex wants his sexy photos back. Should I relent or play hardball?” Posted July 14, 2011.
“An Innocent Man: An ex-girlfriend falsely claimed I raped her. How do I reveal this hurtful incident to future love interests?” Posted July 7, 2011.
“A View to a Thrill: Neighbor boys peep at my scantily clad daughters. Should I have them cover up?” Posted June 30, 2011.
More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts
“Confronting the Queen Bees: Dear Prudence advises a teen who longs to stand up to her cruel classmates but fears retaliation.” Posted July 25, 2011.
“Bozo Boyfriend’s Nose-Job Nightmare: Dear Prudence advises a man who convinced his girlfriend to have plastic surgery that left her disfigured.” Posted July 18, 2011.
“Should a Former Hottie Burn the Evidence?: Dear Prudence advises a woman whose ex-husband took nudie pictures of her and still has them.” Posted July 11, 2011.
“Boyfriend Is Thick as a Brick: Dear Prudence advises a woman who is reluctant to wed her dim-bulb suitor.” Posted July 5, 2011.