The XX Factor

Sex Scandal Mad Libs

Just a few weeks ago, which is a short time in the real world but eons on the Internet, I read a Gail Collins column in the New York Times in which she was all verklempt about the sexual shenanigans of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Lee, David Vitter, and Newt Gingrich (because his 15-years-ago affair with his now-wife is somehow still a fresh scandal?).

So what with this new round of men behaving badly, I expected to see a similar column asking what’s wrong with Anthony Weiner, John Edwards, and Dominique Strauss-Kahn. Alas, Collins is, unfortunately, on book leave, according to her bio page .

Since she’s so busy, I’m sure she won’t mind if I write the column for her. In fact, so much of her previous column applies that you can almost write the new one mad-lib style, just switching out some names and other specifics.

So, what is it with liberals these days, anyhow? Is there something about being married to smart, powerful, influential women that makes them want to go out and commit adultery, or worse?

They certainly don’t have a lock on the infidelity market , and heaven knows we all remember Arnold Schwarzenegger. But lately, libs have shown a knack for taking adultery to whole ‘nother level. A married congressman hunting for babes is bad. A married congressman hunting for babes by posting a half-naked photo of himself on the Internet is  … well, that can be anybody. But this week it’s a Democrat.

A married vice presidential candidate who fathers an illegitimate child is awful. A married VIP candidate who fathers an illegitimate child by a “campaign staffer” and then allegedly uses campaign funds to cover it up from his cancer-stricken wife is a Democrat.

A married head of the IMF who is arrested and charged with raping a hotel employee is probably a jerk. A married head of the IMF who allegedly rapes a hotel employee and then says it was consensual is a Socialist.

We haven’t gotten to Bill Clinton yet!

There you go. You’re welcome.