The XX Factor

Child-Free Skies? How About Boor-Free Ballgames?

Now,  KJ , let’s stop and think for a moment. We might be on to something. Because, let’s face it: Flying is miserable even when you’re not segregated into underage whiners and business-class whiners. I’m thinking we families could agree to this “back of the plane” business in return for some other concessions. For example:

Singletons and the childless shall refrain from frequenting mediocre chain restaurants on Friday nights. Why? BECAUSE YOU CAN. It’s Friday, you’ve had an exhausting workweek, and not only is the thought of cooking is too much to bear, you know you won’t feel like doing the dishes until Sunday. That’s a universal experience. The difference is, if you have kids and utter the word “restaurant,” you’re immediately pelted with requests to take them to the place where they bring chicken tenders in a cardboard car or the place where they give you balloons. Take my advice, dear childless: Go to the trendy little tapas spot, or the hole in the wall with 150 kinds of beer and a great burger, or that cute vegan place. Because if you’re young and planning a family “someday,” well, someday you’re gonna be stuck at a place where the menus can all be colored on and Sponge Bob is playing on the TVs, and you’re going to be extremely annoyed that there is 30-minute wait while tables of child-free adults finish off their third round of raspberry margaritas.

One for the old folks: Retirees will go to the gym during NON-peak hours. I realize at 5:30, you’re probably eager to work off the blueberry cobbler you had for dessert at the 4 p.m. early-bird special, but really, the rest of us are trying to sneak in a workout before we pick up the kids at soccer practice or rush home to make dinner. But you’re causing a backup on the elliptical. What were you doing at 10:30 a.m. while the rest of us were working? Don’t you realize you can watch  Regis and Kelly on the gym TV?

Some other requests: If you’re at a ball park that doesn’t feature a segregated family section, please try not to dump beer on my kids during your profanity-laced tirade at the umpires. I kept them from hearing the Mel Gibson tapes, and here you go quoting them. Also, there are lots of kids at amusement parks. So maybe you could leave the ” clever and ironic ” T-shirt about having sex with your friend’s girlfriend in the closet. Just this once.

What do you think KJ? Would you be amenable to these terms?