The XX Factor

You’ve Already Seen Valentine’s Day, It Was Called Love Actually.

So Christmas is just about over, meaning it’s time to dangle the next shiny consumerist holiday before our bloated, jolly faces. The creative powers that be have put together an ensemble rom com for us, titled Valentine’s Day , and set to come out on Valentine’s Day (for the easily confused). From what I can divine from the recently released trailer , the movie features lovelorn singles and unhappily united marrieds, all of whom will either find or refute love over the span of one very important holiday. Does this smell like last year’s box of chocolates? Or maybe, uh, 2003’s gooey leftovers? Love Actually anyone?

Watch the trailer. You’ve seen this movie before:

A seven-year-old so love sick he can’t eat.
A person way too good looking to be the undesirable single. ( Valentine’s Day wants us to believe that Jessica Alba is having a hard time finding a date.)
A long-term couple facing some difficult issues in their marriage.
A woman who fucks herself over in finding love, because she just works too damn hard.
A collection of seemingly unrelated plot lines that will prove to be intricately connected by film’s end.

And it wasn’t that good the first time.

Despite being a showcase for Colin Firth’s limitless charm, Love Actually had some pretty craptastic conclusions:  the married woman (Emma Thompson) repeatedly described as “brilliant”  ends up alone, exoticism trumps communication (Firth and his Portuguese love interest can hardly speak a word to each other before they agree to marry), a not-even-chubby woman gets mercilessly teased about her weight, and Laura Linney’s character ends up alone because she just doesn’t prioritize love.

With jokes like, “I’m checking in for two… I mean, one and a dog.” [SADFACE], Valentine’s Day doesn’t look like it will be any better.