The XX Factor

I Climax Picturing Myself As a C-Cup

Another reader describes the role that fantasy plays in her sex life .

I consciously avoid fantasizing about things that I would never want to happen in real life. Violence, being dominated, having sex with a stranger or a celebrity … I don’t know a celebrity personally. I couldn’t be intimate with someone I don’t KNOW. If I start trying to picture someone I don’t know, it’s repellent. I recoil, and my drive shuts down like that. Being with someone who’s not my husband … what the hell happened to my husband if I’m having sex with someone else? To the core of my soul, it’s my greatest fear that he will die or leave me. It violates everything to take him out of the picture.

Before we were married, my husband and I were away from each other for four months. He was living in a dorm, and when we talked he made it sound like everyone else was hooking up. While I’m 99.99999 percent sure that he was faithful, I use that tiny bit of doubt to fantasize about him being with this girl there that was totally his type. In my fantasies he’s really into her … more aggressive with her than he is with me. He just WANTS her like he’s never wanted anything in his life. More than he’s ever wanted me. My husband doesn’t have a very strong sex drive. Or, maybe we’re just not in sync that way. I think I get turned on and can climax to the idea that he’s really sexual and knows how to ravish a woman, but I can’t put myself in that position because he’s just never been that way with me. I think I’m protecting my heart (and vagina) from aching for him to be something he’s not.

Related to this, a dependable fantasy is picturing him in a four-way with people from that dorm. Him, his roommate, the girl from the other fantasy, and another girl who I learned lost her virginity that semester. Everybody’s coming, and that just plays on a loop until I come too. I don’t know if I could orgasm without fantasizing.

While we were engaged, I had a small dalliance with someone I worked with. Nothing physical, but I was physically attracted to him in a way I’ve never been to another man. We talked at work, and one time spent the whole night at a party getting drunk together (my first time) and talking, leaning in close the whole time. He wanted me to come home with him … I think I knew what might have happened, so I refused. I’ve come so hard so many times thinking about what might have happened that night.

When masturbating or stimulating myself during sex, I can climax remembering this porn video I watched of two women. They started out in bed like they were just waking up, progress to taking off their skimpy pajamas and caressing each other … kissing. What takes me over the edge is remembering how into it one of the girls was. It’s like I could feel something like love in her eyes while looking at and fondling the other woman. I’ve never seen it in any other piece of porn, and now I look for porn like this. Search terms like “love,” “romance.” I don’t want to think about a penis being jammed into a vagina. I search for videos of something that looks like yearning, but I’ve yet to find it. It can be animalistic but it has to be tender.

And at random times I like to picture myself with big boobs. Not huge but pretty and smooth C-cups. It’s amazing how that small detail can boost my self-esteem enough to make me climax. I can’t wait until I’m pregnant and I can fill out a top.