The XX Factor

Watch Out Bachelors. The Cougar Is Coming.

Here’s a guest post from Current TV’s Sarah Haskins, whose videos will air weekly on Double X . Each week she addresses a theme in marketing, advertising, or entertainment aimed at women that she finds silly, such as the idea that yogurt is an unbelievably indulgent, wholly beloved miracle food for women. She’s giving XXers a sneak peak of tonight’s video subject:

Young American Men, this is your warning. For so many years, you’ve been safe: ensconced in fraternities, apartments with other dudes, sports bars, and post-college intramural leagues.

Yet the natural order cannot long survive without balance. And thus your herds, like deer in the backyards of New Jersey, must be thinned.

Enter the Cougar. Your natural predator. She is everything you fear. She is older. She is going to use you for sex. She doesn’t care about your video games or entry-level job. She is going to go to a nice restaurant with you- by any means necessary .

She was formed in the crucible of cable culture: by people who think Sex and The City was a documentary, not a show, by our obsession with youth, and especially by trend-seeking journalists who need something to talk about. She is our modern jabberwocky, gyre and gimbling her way into your 400 thread count sheets.

For years young females have been stalked by male silverbacks, but the Cougars represent a reversal of this natural order. Like global warming or mortgage-backed securities, she is a sign of terrible times ahead. Older ladies and younger men! It does not make sense!

You can arm yourself against her, young men. Study the enemy. Begin by watching The Cougar on the TV Land network. Did you know that was a network? Neither did I. Enjoy.