Michael Harrison

Monday, 7 a.m. I arrive at my office and turn on the computer. Among my 15 new e-mail messages are the following:

Sent: Friday, 11:55 p.m.
From: Mrs. Schmidt [German teacher]:

I was setting up for the dance this afternoon when I saw Jason Flynn playing basketball on the outdoor courts in front of school. He was playing in his underwear (briefs, not boxers). I told him to put his pants on. He argued that “Isn’t it like wearing a Speedo?” I told him again to put pants on. He did.

Then Jason and Ryan came to the dance wearing togas. They snuck in without paying. When I told them to leave, they said that they couldn’t bring money because they didn’t have any pockets in their togas. I told them I was going to take this matter to you.

Sent: Saturday, 9:15 a.m.
From: Mr. Hutchins [English teacher]:

Yesterday, a student came to me to say that a number of his friends are drinking and driving regularly. At least one of them has a fake ID. Can you look into this and maybe call the parents?

Sent: Saturday, 10:12 a.m.
From: Mr. Carey [house master]:

Last night, Brendan Sage had Nina Daniels in his dorm room. When I came into the room, she pulled her sweatshirt hood over her head and turned her back to the door. Brendan then told me that the sweat-shirted figure was a boy. This worked until I asked Nina to turn around. I told Brendan and Nina to see you first thing Monday morning.

Sent: Saturday, 11:30 a.m.
From: Jessica Geller [student-body president]:

Norman [the junior-class president] didn’t come to the dance on Friday [as is required of all school officers]. When I asked him why, he complained that no one is listening to his ideas in the student-council meetings. Can you talk to him?

7:14 a.m.: I check my voice mail: “Hello. You have nine new messages.”

Message 1: “Hi, this is Greg from Josten’s. I want to set up a time to meet with the senior and junior classes regarding class rings. Give me a call.”

Message 2: “Hi, this is Jan from Africa Safari. Mercury, our cheetah, is sick. Would it be all right to substitute Al, our baby snow leopard, for Friday’s assembly?”

Message 3: “Hi, it’s Janis [our new campus minister]. Some students asked me if we could have “Wake Up Dead Man” by U2 be the opening song for today’s Mass. Do you think Father Benjamin will be offended?”

7:25 a.m.: I decide to finish checking my voice mail later, and walk to the faculty lounge to drop off a copy of the new detention schedule. On the way, I run into Julian, who gets dropped off at school an hour early, and help him with a math problem. I pick up two stray sweatshirts and drop them at the lost-and-found before returning to my office.

7:42 a.m.: Louis arrives at my office looking half asleep. He has forgotten that it is a formal-dress day (again). He asks if I want him to go home and change. I dig through my closet and find a tie and a blue blazer that’s two sizes too big for him. He puts them on and I send him to class.

7:55 a.m.: Sarah, the senior-class vice president, stops by my office to pick up the bagels that will be sold at the snack bar during break. She asks for a late slip, complaining that she won’t be able to get all the cream cheese in the fridge and still get to class on time.

7:58 a.m.: Sarah returns to my office, looking frantic. Bo, another senior, has driven his car through the fence. He was parking on the hill next to the lake and missed his brake. His car is now teetering on the edge of the hill, the front tires totally off the ground. Bo won’t get out of his car, and can’t get any traction to get off the hill. I run to the car with Sarah and tell Bo to get out. I then run back to my office and call AAA.

8 a.m.: The week begins.