The revived Gossip Girl has arrived, and with it comes a magnificent spoiler on day one: We already know who Gossip Girl is.
[Below lie spoilers. Obviously.]
In this iteration of Gossip Girl, which takes place squarely in the present day—there are enough references to the pandemic and quarantine and Zoom school to make your head spin—it only takes 20 minutes to find out who’s behind the bitchy private school blog. Instead of a single student, this Gossip Girl is multiple people: a group of beleaguered teachers who are fed up with the spoiled rich kids making them feel bad all the time.
It is an absolutely inane twist, one that might even raise some ethical questions. You know how, when you were a kid, you were shocked to learn that your teacher didn’t live underneath her desk but actually had a personal life after school? In the world of Gossip Girl, that childhood belief is actually reality. The teachers literally spend their spare time spreading rumors about the popular kids to make them feel bad about themselves after one of them disses a teacher’s outfit one too many times.
This pack of Gossip Girls is led by Tavi Gevinson’s way-too-young teacher, Kate Keller, whose first interaction with her students involves getting a latte spilled all over her shirt and then receiving mockery for shopping at Zara. Truly, how dare! The only solution is to start an Instagram with some of her co-workers, tagging the rich kids in posts about their supposed sex lives and whatnot.
Listen: The original Gossip Girl was not really about who Gossip Girl actually was, but about the drama that’s happening underneath her narration and blogger-y voice. (Kristen Bell returns as that voice, by the way, which is even weirder now that it technically belongs to multiple olds instead of one dude, the OG GG, Penn Badgley’s Dan Humphrey.) There’s tons of drama here, with teen girls getting eaten out at parties, half sisters plotting to reunite against their dads’ wishes, vaguely hot dudes sharing emotional secrets with genuinely hot girls, as if that’s a thing a hot dude would ever do IRL.
But to give away such a big secret in Episode 1? And to make said big secret so boring, if not problematically silly? I don’t know about you, but I’m over it before there was much of an “it” to get over. XOXO, Allegra.