Television

Tina and Amy’s Golden Globes Jokes, Ranked, in Order of Scathingness

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler host the Golden Globes. NBC

A Golden Globes host’s first job is making fun of the Golden Globes, but this year’s opening monologue by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler was more pointed than usual. Ricky Gervais may have joked last year that the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is a bunch of random nobodies who “can barely speak English,” but this year, those random nobodies are under fire after the Los Angeles Times reported that its 87-person roster does not include a single Black member. With #TimesUpGlobes trending and presenters like Ava DuVernay seemingly certain to address the controversy during the broadcast, the HFPA made a preemptive promise to address their lack of diversity during the broadcast, but Fey and Poehler made sure they got their licks in first.

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They also stuck it to the HFPA for some of this year’s more questionable nominees, including Kate Hudson for Sia’s Music, a movie that was widely criticized for its portrayal of autism, and Emily in Paris, a widely mocked Netflix series whose team treated more than 30 members of the HFPA to a two-night stay at an expensive, five-star hotel in Paris. Fey and Poehler at least took it all in stride, tossing barbs back and forth from opposite coasts with a fluidity that makes it easier to just quote them as one two-brained person.

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Playful Jabs, Mostly

All the big blockbuster movies that came out of this year are nominated: Parts of a Lady, Irish Goodnight, Mauricio’s Delve, Day Planner, Gronk, Ali G Goes to Chicago. And we’ll be honoring all the fantastic TV shows you binge-watched this year: the American Office, old Columbos, very one-sided news programs, the Zoom town halls about your school staying closed, and of course, the cranberry juice skateboard guy.

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[to the audience of first responders] Now, we know that you have seen a lot of crazy stuff at your job this year. You have not seen the kind of stuff that we have seen at previous Golden Globes. This front table right here, usually houses the biggest stars in the world. It’s usually like Meryl Streep, hammered, can’t even remember what movie she’s there for. Brad Pitt is always waving at me like, “Amy! Amy!” It’s like, “Dude, I’m working.” Oprah Winfrey writing her name all over the table cloth in pen. Quentin Tarantino, crawling under tables, just touching people’s feet. The point is do whatever they want, ’cause they do. Those bitches are messy.

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Emily in Paris is nominated for best TV series, musical or comedy, and I for one can’t wait to find out which it is. French Exit is what I did after watching the first episode of Emily in Paris.

Sia’s film Music is nominated for Best International Floparoonie. I don’t want to get into it, guys, but it’s really problematic, and Twitter is saying it’s the most offensive casting since Kate Hudson was the Weight Watchers spokesperson.

Oof, That Hurts

The HFPA is made up of around 90 international no-Black journalists who attend movie junkets each year in search of a better life.

Soul is a beautiful Pixar animated movie where a Black man’s soul is knocked out of his body and into a cat. The HFPA really responded to this movie because they do have five cat members.

Boom, Roasted

Everybody is understandably upset at the HFPA and their choices. Look, a lot of flashy garbage got nominated, but that happens. That’s like their thing. But a number of Black actors and Black-led projects were overlooked. We all know that awards shows are stupid. They’re all a scam, invented by Big Red Carpet to sell more carpet, we know that. But even with stupid things, inclusivity is important, and there are no Black members of the Hollywood Foreign Press. I realize, HFPA, maybe you guys didn’t get the memo because your workplace is the back booth of a French McDonald’s, but you gotta change that. So here’s to changing it.

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