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Chris Evans Would Be the Best Quarantine Companion

Thirst Aid Kit listeners choose Chris every time.

Twitter photo of Chris Evans smiling and holding his dog
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Chris Evans/Twitter.

On a recent episode of Thirst Aid Kit, Bim Adewunmi and Nichole Perkins asked listeners to name their dream quarantine companion, and one Thirst Object emerged as the clear favorite: Chris Evans. In this excerpt, Bim and Nichole respond to three convincing arguments for the Avengers actor. This transcript has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Bim Adewunmi: We asked the Thirst Buckets to do us a solid, reach into their innermost thirst nooks and crannies, and reveal to us via voicemail who they wanted most to be holed up with during the course of this pandemic, quarantine, self-isolation, self-distancing, etc. And one name more than all the others kept coming up.

Nichole Perkins: Yeah, we almost lost track of how many times his name came up. Unfortunately, we can’t play all of them, but yeah, it is Chris Evans.

Bim: Of course it was. I mean, come on. We talk a lot about how there are certain people that are very important to this podcast because they embody something very crucial for both Nichole and I. We talk a lot about Keanu Reeves—shoutout to you, Mr. Reeves. We talk a lot about John Cho—shoutout to you, Mr. Cho, beautiful and perfect as you are. We talk about Chris Evans because there is … something about Chris.

Nichole: Yeah. Like I mentioned in that first episode that we did with him, he was not someone that I originally felt feelings for. He was a little too frat boy, frat bro, for me. But I since learned that obviously that was just a persona that he had to play up for the roles that he was given, and he’s actually kind of a soft boy.

Bim: Wow. [Laughs] I didn’t know you were gonna say that, and now I’m taken aback. He is kind of a soft boy. I feel I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t think you were the only one who was like, “Yeah, I didn’t really see it,” and then saw it, and then couldn’t see anything else. But there’s something that I like about Chris, which is that what we know of him—that is, what he has revealed, because everything is mediated—is that he seems like someone who actually would be very good at just being away from the spotlight. He does that thing where he promos the films he’s in, and then he does a quick peace out, and then he’s like, “I’ll see you on the next one. Bye!”

Nichole: Right. I mean, he’s fairly active on Twitter, but he does not feel the need to post anything every day. He does not often post from his home or show us his home.

Bim: I love that.

Nichole: Yeah. If he does, it’s because it’s in the background of Dodger—like it’s all about the dog and not the home. So I really appreciate that.

Bim: Yeah. So do I, so do I. I feel like he’s already given us a good number of hints that “I am great at solitude, and I have snacks, and I have a dog, and I like reading books about space. I’m good.” And in addition, of course, we’ve seen him chopping wood—shoutout to the Marvel movies. So if push came to shove, he really could set a fire. What’s making you laugh, Nichole?

Nichole: Just wood. You know, I’m an 8-year-old boy. [Laughs]

Bim: You really, truly are. This is ridiculous. All that to say, we have a marvelous first voicemail from Melissa, and she had some thoughts on why Chris would make an excellent companion during a quarantine.

Melissa: Hi, my name is Melissa, and if I could be quarantined with any Thirst Object, I would pick Chris Evans because he says he’s a dork, and I know I’m going to need someone to make me laugh for the next, I don’t know, two to three months. And he seems pretty cool, and he’s a great hugger, I’m assuming. Thank you, and have a nice day, ladies.

Nichole: Aww, Melissa.

Bim: Melissa laid out her points.

Nichole: Yes. When we talked to him, it was over the phone, but I would say he looks like he’s a good hugger. And I’m weird about hugs. Sometimes I like a good hug, and sometimes I am like, “Please don’t touch me.” But I would take a hug from Chris Evans. So Melissa, I feel you.

Bim: What I also love about the phrasing in Melissa’s voice note was “he says he’s a dork,” which sounds like an amazing accusation. Like, “Apparently, Chris, you say you’re a dork, but are you?” So I liked that skepticism—it’s healthy, and I appreciate that, Melissa. And then “he’s a great hugger, I’m assuming,” which is Melissa saying, “Hey, I haven’t been to his house or anything. Don’t call the cops. I’m just assuming.” So I really respected Melissa for just telling us so much with so little.

Nichole: Yeah, I’m here for it.

Bim: I’m really here for it. So thank you, Melissa, for throwing that in there. Of course, as we said, you were not the only one, but we appreciate you sending the message. Chris really is a popular dude for this stuff.

Nichole: Yeah. We had a lot of people call in to tell us about their Chris Evans quarantine fantasies, and our next caller is lovely Julia.

Julia: Hi, this is Julia calling in to say that if I had to be quarantined with any celebrity, it would obviously be Chris Evans. Did you see the picture he just tweeted of him and his dog? All the pictures of his dog? Yeah, Chris Evans. Also, he seems like he’d be a good cook. I don’t know why. Like something basic. It seems like he can roast a chicken. Yeah.

Nichole: [Laughs] I love that. I love that so much. Thank you, Julia.

Bim: Thank you, Julia. The thing that I love about that was just the final pause before “Yeah.” You could tell Julia wasn’t thinking just about roasting a chicken. I just want to be very clear. It was apparent, Julia. “He seems like he can roast a chicken.” Long pause. “Yeah.” OK, Julia.

Nichole: [Laughs] That was thinking about the chicken, but also how he eats the chicken, and maybe what happens after eating the chicken …

Bim: Yes, I could feel that, Julia. A solid list of reasons: pictures, the dog. Shoutout to the dog. Everyone knows I’m a huge dog fan, so I think I’d be a fan of Chris’ dog. Julia painted a world with her words, and I want to live inside that world, so shoutout to you, Julia. Thank you so much, listing yet another series of reasons for why Chris Evans would be the top choice in a quarantine cabin.

Our final Chris Evans that we’re gonna play is from a longtime listener, good old Cookie. Hi, Cookie. And she actually started off with Chris Evans as her only person to be quarantined with, and then things took a sharp left.

Cookie: Hi, Nichole and Bim. This is Cookie, one of your favorite listeners. If you had asked me in Day Three of quarantine who I’d want to be stuck with, I would say Chris Evans. Then I saw him shaving his brother’s head, and I thought, Nope, because that guy would be the kind of guy who’d convince me to cut my own bangs during quarantine. So I would love to be stuck with Hozier because I think he and I would just wash and braid each other’s hair and go for long walks and write poetry together and then have some wine and whiskey and do some freaky stuff. Anyway, hope you two are doing OK during this quarantine time. Thank you for keeping up with slaking our thirst. Love you. Bye.

Nichole: Cookie! [Laughs] Oh, man. Well, Cookie, first of all, thank you for asking after us and checking in with us, we really appreciate that. That’s really sweet. We thought you were gonna give us a lot of Chris Evans love, and then you took us to the road less traveled.

Bim: Wow. What a beautiful metaphor. The road less traveled. Hozier, ladies and gentlemen!

Nichole: But of course I’m not mad at it because I love Hozier—Cookie and I share that in common. But I also kind of agree with her that I think Chris would be good, and then he would get a little restless, and he would be the kind of guy that would tell you, “Hey, let’s try this trick that I just saw on YouTube, or let’s do this prank or stunt.” I don’t know, something. Because he grew up with siblings. He’s got siblings, and he’s from Boston. I feel like they used to do a lot of roughhousing or a lot of playful, goofy shit. So I feel like I agree with that. I think that he would make some kind of little, silly suggestion just for the hell of it, out of boredom, and that maybe would end up being a regretful decision.

Bim: Wow. This is a lot. Cookie, I have to say, I am taken aback by your absolutely baseless suggestion that your bangs would go, but fine, I’ll go with it. Listen, I also grew up with three siblings and several cousins, so of course there were some decisions that were, in hindsight, regretful. But I do see what you’re saying. Yes, perhaps. Personally, I don’t think so, but I hear exactly what you’re saying when it comes to writing poetry and having some whiskey and wine and going for a walk and then—as you said so delicately, because you’re a lady—doing some freaky stuff. Hozier seems to be a solid choice for that, per Nichole. I personally would not know, but Nichole does.

Nichole: Yes, I agree. I think Hozier would be a lovely companion during this time.

Bim: A lovely companion. Look at her, she’s talking like she’s some 80-year-old lady with no hips. Anyway, thank you, Cookie. That concludes our Chris Evans portion, but there’s more, more, and more.

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