Among the many disappointments of this pandemic spring has been the disappearance of the NCAA national championship. For the first March in decades, America is suffering an acute bracket shortage. While our college basketball players sit at home, our nation’s gamblers, bracketologists, and procrastinators have little to occupy their minds. “March Madness” now describes our collective emotional state, rather than a glorious national distraction.
Slate to the rescue! Welcome to the National Championship of Social Distancing. Over the next few days, 64 competitors will battle it out to see which of our new quarantine-based preoccupations will reign supreme. What’s the best work-at-home activity, not changing out of your pajamas all day or getting interrupted by your pet during a video call? How are we panicking these days—by stress-eating or hoarding toilet paper? In our Family Regional, can anything defeat No. 1 seed unlimited screen time?
Visit @Slate on Twitter to vote on each matchup. We’ll update results all week, with our Final Four scheduled for Friday afternoon. Play along! Compete with your friends! Do not engage in high-fives!
Round 1
Family Regional
No. 1 Unlimited screen time
vs.
No. 16 Attempting to teach seventh-grade math
Result:
No. 8 Family cooking lessons
vs.
No. 9 Family dance party
Result:
No. 5 Disney+
vs.
No. 12 Discovering your favorite childhood movies are not appropriate
Result:
No. 4 FaceTime with parents
vs.
No. 13 Arguing with uncles on Facebook
Result:
No. 6 Board games
vs.
No. 11 Adopting a pet
Result:
No. 3 Six-foot-distance play dates
vs.
No. 14 Quasi-educational apps
Result:
No. 7 Online learning
vs.
No. 10 Emailing tech support about online learning
Result:
No. 2 Yelling
vs.
No. 15 Apologizing
Result:
Work Regional
No. 1 Making a video call
vs.
No. 16 Making a stupid bracket for your co-workers’ enjoyment
Result:
No. 8 Adding goofy background to video call
vs.
No. 9 Hurriedly doing makeup/hair before video call
Result:
No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day
vs.
No. 12 Talking to your boss while wearing a face filter
Result:
No. 4 Spending an entire conference call doing the dishes
vs.
No. 13 Arguing with partner/roommate about workspace
Result:
No. 6 Spending an entire conference call on the toilet
vs.
No. 11 Putting off a project “until this is all over”
Result:
No. 3 Cooking an elaborate lunch
vs.
No. 14 Starting emails “Hope you’re well!”
Result:
No. 7 Getting interrupted by pet/child during video call
vs.
No. 10 Two partners, two video calls, one office
Result:
No. 2 Canceling a standing meeting you’ve always hated
vs.
No. 15 Starting a podcast
Result:
Leisure Regional
No. 1 Scrolling through Instagram
vs.
No. 16 Scrolling through Twitter
Result:
No. 8 Sex (partner)
vs.
No. 9 Sex (self)
Result:
No. 5 Video games
vs.
No. 12 Marijuana
Result:
No. 4 Taking a long bath
vs.
No. 13 Trying to read a book
Result:
No. 6 Riding a bike
vs.
No. 11 Long telephone calls
Result:
No. 3 Taking a walk
vs.
No. 14 Making funny quarantine TikToks
Result:
No. 7 Getting reacquainted with nature
vs.
No. 10 Listening to podcasts
Result:
No. 2 Netflix
vs.
No. 15 Starting your novel again
Result:
Panicking Regional
No. 1 Stress-eating
vs.
No. 16 Checking your 401(k)
Result:
No. 8 Pacing
vs.
No. 9 Drinking
Result:
No. 5 Pleading with parents to stop going to the gym
vs.
No. 12 Taking your own temperature
Result:
No. 4 Hoarding toilet paper
vs.
No. 13 Ordering beans on the internet
Result:
No. 6 Bootlegging hand sanitizer
vs.
No. 11 Scolding people who are out having fun
Result:
No. 3 Refusing to get out of bed
vs.
No. 14 Spying on neighbors like in Rear Window
Result:
No. 7 Washing your hands again, just to be safe
vs.
No. 10 Yelling at the president
Result:
No. 2 Sharing dire warnings on Facebook
vs.
No. 15 Reacting calmly and appropriately to the situation
Result:
Round 2
Family Regional
No. 1 Unlimited screen time
vs.
No. 8 Family cooking lessons
Result:
No. 12 Discovering your favorite childhood movies are not appropriate
vs.
No. 4 FaceTime with parents
Result:
No. 6 Board games
vs.
No. 14 Quasi-educational apps
Result:
No. 7 Online learning
vs.
No. 2 Yelling
Result:
Work Regional
No. 16 Making a stupid bracket for your co-workers’ enjoyment
vs.
No. 9 Hurriedly doing makeup/hair before video call
Result:
No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day
vs.
No. 4 Spending an entire conference call doing the dishes
Result:
No. 11 Putting off a project “until this is all over”
vs.
No. 14 Starting emails “Hope you’re well!”
Result:
No. 7 Getting interrupted by pet/child during video call
vs.
No. 2 Canceling a standing meeting you’ve always hated
Result:
Leisure Regional
No. 16 Scrolling through Twitter
vs.
No. 8 Sex with partner
Result:
No. 5 Video games
vs.
No. 13 Trying to read a book
Result:
No. 6 Riding a bike
vs.
No. 3 Taking a walk
Result:
No. 10 Listening to podcasts
vs.
No. 2 Netflix
Result:
Panicking Regional
No. 1 Stress-eating
vs.
No. 9 Drinking
Result:
No. 5 Pleading with parents to stop going to the gym
vs.
No. 13 Ordering beans on the internet
Result:
No. 11 Scolding people who are out having fun
vs.
No. 3 Refusing to get out of bed
Result:
No. 10 Yelling at the president
vs.
No. 15 Reacting calmly and appropriately to the situation
Result:
The Sweet 16
Family Regional
No. 1 Unlimited screen time
vs.
No. 12 Discovering your favorite childhood movies are not appropriate
Result:
No. 6 Board games
vs.
No. 2 Yelling
Result:
Work Regional
No. 16 Making a stupid bracket for your co-workers’ enjoyment
vs.
No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day
Result:
No. 14 Starting emails “Hope you’re well!”
vs.
No. 2 Canceling a standing meeting you’ve always hated
Result:
Leisure Regional
No. 16 Scrolling through Twitter
vs.
No. 13 Trying to read a book
Result:
No. 3 Taking a walk
vs.
No. 2 Netflix
Result:
Panicking Regional
No. 1 Stress-eating
vs.
No. 5 Pleading with parents to stop going to the gym
Result:
No. 3 Refusing to get out of bed
vs.
No. 10 Yelling at the president
Result:
The Elite Eight
Family Regional Final
No. 1 Unlimited screen time
vs.
No. 6 Board games
Result:
Work Regional Final
No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day
vs.
No. 2 Canceling a standing meeting you’ve always hated
Result:
Leisure Regional Final
No. 16 Scrolling through Twitter
vs.
No. 3 Taking a walk
Result:
Panicking Regional Final
No. 1 Stress-eating
vs.
No. 10 Yelling at the president
Result:
The Final Four
Family vs. Work
No. 1 Unlimited screen time
vs.
No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day
Result:
Leisure vs. Panicking
No. 16 Scrolling through Twitter
vs.
No. 10 Yelling at the president
Result:
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day
vs.
No. 16 Scrolling through Twitter
Result:
Champion: No. 5 Not changing out of pajamas all day.
Thanks to all who participated in this year’s inaugural—and hopefully final—National Championship of Social Distancing.
