Brow Beat

A Letter To All Employees of the Glendale Family Fun Center and Laser Tag Coliseum

Women try out driving go-karts at an outdoor educational driving event for women on June 21, 2018 in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia.
The Tokyo Drift course will now be rinsed with bleach twice a day.
Sean Gallup/Getty Images

Valued friends and colleagues,

As you know, our country is facing an unprecedented challenge from the coronavirus. As the CEO, Chairman, Head of Human Resources, Public Health Liaison, and only salaried employee of the Glendale Family Fun Center and Laser Tag Coliseum, I wanted to step away from the front lines of the fight against COVID-19 for a moment to reach out to all of our Company’s valued associates, under-associates, sub-under-associates and support staff and update each and every one of you (full-time employees only) on the steps the Company is taking to make sure that Arizona’s premier source for go kart racing, mini bowling, arcade games, laser tag, and family fun of all types continues to thrive and prosper during these troubled times.

Please note that Monday morning’s Family Fun Center Fun Team Weekly Team Building Meeting has been canceled while my family and I take a well-earned, previously-planned vacation. In its place, I have arranged a repeat screening of “Unions: Now Less Than Ever” in the employee break-room. I am told that the air conditioning has been fixed.

In times like these, I find it reassuring to remind others that America has risen to every single challenge Providence has ever placed in her way, from the beaches of Normandy to the malls of September 11. Now that the coronavirus poses a new challenge, we must face it together, with the same spirit of courage and sacrifice that built this great nation. If any of you start feeling “snowflake-y” about showing up for your regularly scheduled shifts, I encourage you to take a quick refresher course in courage and sacrifice by enjoying a round of capture the flag in the “Omaha Beach Party” Laser Tag arena (off-work hours ONLY). As a special incentive for our valued associates, we are increasing the employee discount on Laser Tag games played in this arena to 20%, limit one session per day, independent contractors excluded.

Many of you have expressed concern about my decision to keep the Glendale Family Fun Center and Laser Tag Coliseum open during a pandemic. Due to the products we carry that enable and enhance our customers’ Family Fun, we believe that we are classified as “Essential Retail.” For instance, workers in less-important sectors of the economy who are now telecommuting can make their home offices run more efficiently by installing a giant novelty wristwatch wall clock, available for only 50,000 Skee-ball tickets in the Prize Zone. (I’ve installed one in my own Vacation Home Office/Coronavirus Response War Room, and it is raising my spirits while telling me approximately what time it is as I write this very email!) Shift Captains are authorized to provide this information to law enforcement as needed. If necessary, they can also provide law enforcement with a prize or two from the Prize Zone.

Nothing is more important to me than the health and well-being of our valued associates. To that end, I’d like to outline some of the procedures we are undertaking to keep the Glendale Family Fun Center and Laser Tag Coliseum safe, clean, and above all, open:

• Effective immediately, the entire Family Fun Center will be deep cleaned every night. Sub-under-associates: please find out what this means and how to do it, then add it to your normal end-of-shift routine. Please remember that side work is to be done only after clocking out.

• Every full-time employee is now eligible for up to 16 hours of unpaid sick leave per year. If you are feeling sick, PLEASE do not come to work, for our safety and yours. Instead, simply stop by the Family Fun Center at least fifteen minutes before your shift is scheduled to begin and deliver your Shift Captain a signed and notarized letter from the chief of surgery of a local hospital of your choice, explaining in detail why your medical condition makes it impossible for you to fulfill your duties at the Glendale Family Fun Center and Laser Tag Coliseum.

• All go-carts, laser tag guns, laser tag vests, laser tag helmets, laser tag face masks, laser tag teeth guards, arcade consoles, mini bowling balls, Skee-balls, air hockey paddles, and miniature golf clubs will now be thoroughly disinfected between rounds. Shift Lieutenants are responsible for working out the details.

• Since the Glendale Family Fun Center and Laser Tag Coliseum’s complete stock of disinfectants, alcohol wipes, Kleenex, paper towels, and toilet paper mysteriously disappeared on my last day in the office, Shift Admiral Carla has been asked to secure more supplies. In the meantime, give everything a once-over with a hair dryer.

• The hot tub is closed.

If you have any questions about any of these changes, my office door will always be open to all of our employees, once I believe it is safe for me to return to my office. I know that these are challenging times for the entire Glendale Family Fun Center and Laser Tag Coliseum Family. But I am confident that if we all do our part, our Country, our Company, and my Actual Family will emerge from this pandemic stronger and richer than ever.

Remember, we’re all in this together.