Brow Beat

Here Comes President Zoom!

The presidential limo takes a lap at the Daytona 500.
Zoom! Saul Loeb/Getty Images

It was a warm summer morning in February, and President Zoom woke up with a bad case of the Zooms. “Zoom, zoom!” said President Zoom! “Zoom, zoom, zoom!”

The president in a truck.
Zoom zoom zoom! Alex Wong/Getty Images

“Oh no,” said President Zoom’s advisors! “Oh no!” said President Zoom’s political rivals! “Oh no,” said the American public! “President Zoom has a bad case of the Zooms!” “Zoom, zoom, zoom!” President Zoom agreed!

The president in a fire truck.
Zoom! AFP Contributor/Getty Images

“I know just what to do,” said Doctor Bornstein! “I know just what to do to get rid of these zooms, President Zoom!”

Donald Trump giving men who fly planes a souvenir picture of some planes.
Zoom! Saul Loeb/Getty Images

“Zoom zoom zoom?” asked President Zoom.

“Exactly!” shouted Doctor Bornstein! “This case of the zooms will require some VROOMS! The roomiest, doomiest, boomiest vrooms! A plane that makes vrooms is the cure for the zooms!”

Air Force One on the tarmac.
Zoom! Saul Loeb/Getty Images

“This is not a Doctor Seuss thing, so please stop talking like that.” said the President’s advisors. “Zoom, zoom, zoom,” agreed President Zoom! Then they flew on Air Force One to the Daytona 500.

“Vroom, vroom, vroom!” said the plane! “Zoom, zoom, zoom!” said President Zoom! “It’s one of the most incredible things I’ve ever seen—they say that plane is 800 feet above the racetrack right now—what a great entrance by the President of the United States!” said a color commentator who had never seen an airplane before.

The Presidential limousine, on the track at Daytona.
Zoom-a-zoom zoom! Saul Loeb/Getty Images

The plane hit the ground with a thunderous boom. But President Zoom found he still had the zooms! “Zoom zoom,” said the president! “Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom! Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom!”

“Zoom zoom zoom!” said President Zoom’s car! “Zoom zoom zoom!” said President Zoom! “Zoom zoom zoom!” said President Zoom’s supporters! “All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom!” said Wreckx-N-Effect! “Zoom, zoom, zoom!” said one of President Zoom’s General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper Drones as it unleashed an AGM-114R Hellfire II on a bunch of agricultural workers!

A wounded man lies on a bed as he receives medical treatment at a hospital following a drone strike in Khogyani district of Nangarhar province on September 19, 2019. - At least nine civilians have been killed in a drone strike overnight in the eastern Afghan province of Nangarhar, local officials said on September 19. (Photo by NOORULLAH SHIRZADA / AFP)        (Photo credit should read NOORULLAH SHIRZADA/AFP via Getty Images)
Zoom! Noorullah Shirzada/Getty Images

Zoom zoom zoom!

Holding cells at the Border Patrol's McAllen processing facility.
Zoom! Handout/Getty Images

Zoom zoom zoom!

Donald Trump sits in the oval office with MBS, holding a chart showing military hardware sales to Saudi Arabia.
Zoom! Pool/Getty Images

Zoom zoom zoom!

Navy Special Operations Chief Edward Gallagher celebrates after being acquitted of premeditated murder at Naval Base San Diego July 2, 2019 in San Diego, California.
Zoom! Sandy Huffaker/Getty Images

Zoom zoom zoom!

A two-year-old crying in terror as a CPB officer arrests her mother.
Zoom! John Moore/Getty Images

It was another wonderful day for President Zoom!