Scientists aren’t sure exactly how many sentences it is theoretically possible to construct in English in which every single word makes things unfathomably worse for everyone, but however many there were, now there’s one more: “Roseanne Barr will headline a Super Bowl gala at Mar-a-Lago for the Trumpettes.” The Palm Beach Post broke the news, which has already prompted leading linguists to publicly ask whether the development of language was a terrible, terrible mistake. “Who are these … Trumpettes?” you almost certainly did not ask. Well, perhaps this eight-minute-long “Trumpettes Promo” from founder Toni Holt Kramer will answer your question, or barring that, provoke a nice, relaxing stroke to usher you into the kingdom of death, where the wicked cease from troubling and the Trumpettes cease from posting:
The Trumpettes gala is scheduled for Feb. 1, the night before the Super Bowl, in hopes that President Trump will be in town to host his annual Super Bowl party. This is the third time the Trumpettes have hosted a gala at Mar-a-Lago, but the first time that disgraced comedian Roseanne Barr will be headlining it. “Roseanne is a really loyal Trump supporter,” said Kramer. “If there was anybody who really put their lives on the line and said how much she loves the president, she is one of them.” Barr was booked for the event by Daphne Barak, a fellow Trumpette and the author of To Plea or Not to Plea: The Story of Rick Gates and the Mueller Investigation. Barak was also responsible for booking Jon Voight for a previous Trumpette gala.
Government officials offered no comment on the national security implications of the invention of the sentence “Roseanne Barr will headline a Super Bowl gala at Mar-a-Lago for the Trumpettes,“ presumably because they were too busy worrying about the national security implications of the equally-true sentence “Johnny Depp will produce an unauthorized musical biography of Michael Jackson told from the perspective of his sequined glove.”