Brow Beat

Watch Rudy Giuliani on Colbert’s Late Show Unearthing Ukrainian Sasquatch Bribes

Trump’s personal attorney, formerly “America’s Mayor,” Rudy Giuliani leaned heavily into the “make counter-accusations” stage of scandal grief this past weekend, as his role in the president’s snowballing Ukraine situation compelled him to erratically attempt to explain himself across the gamut of cable news networks.

One show he probably should have made time for, judging from this compelling sketch on Stephen Colbert’s Late Show, ought to have been Conspiracy Today hosted by Bill Flatearth (portrayed by longtime Conan regular, now Late Show writer Brian Stack).

Flatearth proves to be a sympathetic ear for Giuliani’s justifications—actually taken from his appearance on ABC’s This Week With George Stephanopoulos—for his efforts to coerce Ukranian officials into digging up dirt on Trump’s potential 2020 presidential rival, Joe Biden, and his son Hunter, in exchange for about $400 million in withheld military aid. (Although, granted, his preoccupation with time travel and extraterrestrial burglars left Flatearth a little too distracted to be fully Laura Ingraham– or Sean Hannity–level supportive).

Among Giuliani’s supporting documentation for his views: a sworn affidavit depicting the true culprits for political corruption in Ukraine, Sasquatch and the Loch Ness monster.

A crayon drawing of a Bigfoot riding a Loch Ness Monster. The Bigfoot holds a sack of cash monies.
CBS Broadcasting Inc.

Arguably, the best most inspired part of this Late Show bit is the costuming: Someone in wardrobe basically dressed Flatearth in the same “mustache, black turtleneck, and prescription aviators” look that Coast to Coast AM’s Art Bell—the dearly departed doyen of weirdo paranoid call-in show hosts—used to wear in the 1990s. All Flatearth’s missing, as you can see from Art Bell’s Larry King Live and Today Show appearances, is a mysterious cylindrical medallion around his neck. It probably would have protected him from the alien burglars.