Brow Beat

Some Lines, On the Occasion of Discovering That One of Donald Trump’s Border Plans Was a Moat Filled With Snakes

A pit full of rattlesnakes, from a Texas rattlesnake roundup.
Snakes in a moat! Loren Elliot/AFP/Getty Images

Privately, the president had often talked about fortifying a border wall with a water-filled trench, stocked with snakes or alligators, prompting aides to seek a cost estimate. He wanted the wall electrified, with spikes on top that could pierce human flesh. After publicly suggesting that soldiers shoot migrants if they threw rocks, the president backed off when his staff told him that was illegal. But later in a meeting, aides recalled, he suggested that they shoot migrants in the legs to slow them down. That’s not allowed either, they told him.

The New York Times.

At Rio Grande did Donald Trump
A deadly moat of snakes decree:
An obstacle too wide to jump,
An overflowing venom pump
    For killing refugees.
So twice five million angry snakes
Were drugged until they weren’t awake;
And packed in boxes poked with oxygen holes,
With labels bearing the names of addressees;
And here were frozen rats in little bowls,
And cedar chips to soak up cobra pee.

But oh! those crates of sleeping snakes got shaken
Down a conveyor belt while being sorted!
Those savage beasts! As dangerous awakened
As Donald Trump’s corroded heart finds bacon,
And here the mission should have been aborted!
Instead the boxes, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if the snakes inside had started teething,
Were loaded up and shipped away by truck:
TO: Border Crossings. CARE OF: Fascist schmucks.
Audible hissing, like a leaky tire,
Or chestnuts sizzling on an open fire,
Or feminists jeering at Norman Mailer,
Bounced off the walls inside the tractor trailer.
Five days meandering with a mazy motion
Down interstates the serpent convoy went,
Then reached the border where they had been sent,
And there began the Texas Snake Explosion;
In D.C., eating gristly well-done steaks,
The Donald faintly heard them holler, “Snakes!”
    The venom of the angry adders
    Won their victory in a day;
    Fighting back just made them madder
    Running only bought delay.
It was a monument to dumb mistakes,
An entire border town devoured by snakes!

    Some snakes upon an aeroplane
    In a movie once I watched:
    But pissing Samuel L. Jackson off
    Got them wiped out like Romanovs,
    And their snake massacre was botched.
    It was obviously fiction,
    But to Trump it was quite real,
    And now his dreams of boa constriction,
    And alligator moats and eels,
    Are our national nightmare,
That idiot! he’ll kill us all!
And the Republicans don’t care,
But we should cry, Beware! Beware!
His piggy eyes, his awful hair!
Weave impeachment round it all,
Ignore his rambling baby talk,
For he is dumber than a rock,
And high as fuck on Adderall.