Brow Beat

Iowa Man Finds a Five-Inch-Deep Pool of Blood in His Basement

A wave of blood pours out of a hotel elevator in a still from The Shining.
Paging Doctor Sleep.
Warner Bros.

It was, on the Third of October of the Year 2019 that a moſt accomplished gentleman of Bagley, Iowa, Mr. Nick Leſtina, by Name, diſcovered a more Surprizing ſight than any he had hitherto beheld: The Cellar of his family home was filled with BLOOD and bits of FLESH to a depth of five inches.

Upon encountering the Blood and Tiſsue that had tranſformed his cellar floor into a Griſly Wading Pool, Mr. Leſtina naturally ſuſpected Witchcraft or ſome other manner of Enchantment, and ſummoned the Iowa Department of Natural Reſources with great haſte. That body made an immediate Enquiry into the nature and meaning of this Diabolick Apparition, ſo like the plague of Old Egypt, and pronounced the blood to be Animal in nature, ſending word thereof to the Department of Health. Thoſe Learned Miniſters then informed the Leſtina family that their houſe was now a Health Hazard, which they muſt Abandon until it could be clean’d of the Devil’s influence.

Now, by the Confeſſions of those Accuſed and Convicted of Witchcraft, we know that Witches commiſsion their Confederate Spirits, to do all ſorts of Miſchiefs to their Neighbors, and therefore it was Conjectured that the ſource of the Curious Deluge in Mr. Leſtina’s cellar would be cloſe at hand. Indeed, next door to the houſe of the Leſtina family, was found an eſtabliſhment known as “Dahl’s Cuſtom Meat Locker,” wherein it was ſuſpected a Knot of Witches might be meeting. But no ſign of the Mark, which the Devil is known to leave upon the body when he makes his Covenant, could be found on the bodies of thoſe there employ’d. However, a DRAIN, diſcovered to connect to the ſame pipes that drain’d the Cellar of the Leſtinas, was found to be the Satanical Device reſponſible for the FLOOD. The Dahl family, having prov’d Innocent of Witchcraft, but Guilty of Inadequate Blood Drainage, have ſealed the drain and ſworn to help the Leſtinas once the Cellar is Dry.

This Hiſtory I receiv’d of KTIV, Siouxland’s News Channel and the Des Moines Regiſter; and I pray, that it may prove a ſign that the Firſt Seal will ſoon be OPENED, and the Doom of Man Proclaim’d at laſt.