It’s only Tuesday, and already Donald Trump is fighting with enemies—real and imagined—on multiple fronts. On Monday night, Trevor Noah offered a helpful recap of the latest feuds, which range from petty to potentially jeopardizing national security, on The Daily Show.
The National Weather Service. Trump continues to insist that Hurricane Dorian was predicted to hit Alabama, causing friction between the National Weather Service there and its parent organization, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, as one contradicted the other to back up the president’s incorrect claim.
“The NOAA doesn’t have time for this,” said Noah. “Their job is to monitor hurricanes. If they’re distracted by Trump’s beefs, you realize what could happen? We could have a giant backlog of hurricanes—they can’t come in. Because without their hurricane permits, they’re not allowed to come into the country.”
Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. The president also expressed displeasure over an MSNBC town hall about criminal justice reform that featured musician John Legend. Trump in particular seemed to think he was not given enough credit for the First Step Act.
Legend and his wife, Chrissy Teigen, returned fire on Twitter, with Teigen also pointing out that she didn’t even participate in the special Trump was referring to. (The president may have been nursing hurt feelings from the time Teigen tweeted “lol no one likes you,” at which point he blocked her.)
Noah noted that while cable news couldn’t air Teigen’s response due to its vulgarity, he could. “It’s a well-known medical condition in which a bitch’s ass is replaced by a pussy,” said Noah. “I think the more we talk about it in society, the more we can destigmatize this serious disease.”
The Taliban. “There’s one Trump beef that might actually have real-world consequences,” said Noah, referring to Trump’s announcement that he had canceled secret peace talks with the Taliban and the president of Afghanistan at Camp David. Trump attributed the decision to an attack in Kabul, but Noah has his own suspicions about why the Taliban wouldn’t want to come to America:
They probably don’t want to deal with the TSA. Can you imagine how stressful that shit’s gonna be for them? They’re just gonna come in as the Taliban?! You have to fill out the little forms. The guy at the TSA’s gonna be like “So, uh, what do you do for a living?”
“I’m the leader of the Taliban.”
“So you’re a terrorist?”
“Yes, but not for this trip, OK? Not for this trip. This time I’m off the clock.”
Not included in Noah’s recap is ex–National Security Adviser John Bolton, because the president accumulates new beefs at a rate no late-night host could possibly hope to keep up with.