Walrus-mustachioed warmonger John Bolton has quit or been fired, depending who you ask. There’ll be plenty of time later to parse the implications of Donald Trump’s first good decision, maybe even enough time for Democrats to work up the nerve to express an opinion. But tonight, emotions are raw, the scent of mustache oil still lingers in the cool fall air, and even thinking about next steps feels like a betrayal of John Bolton’s memory. Psychologists have long believed that there’s only one way to deal with the kind of intense sorrow caused by John Bolton’s abrupt departure: the melancholy brilliance of Michael Bolton’s music. So whether you’re a recently fired national security advisor, a defense contractor, the President of the United States, or just a garden-variety asshole, button up your top button, pour yourself exactly one quarter of a glass of white wine, sit backwards in your chair, and let the grief wash over you as you try to make it through the music video for Michael Bolton’s 1989 hit “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” without breaking down completely.
It’s true: John Bolton has learned the price he is gonna pay for dreaming. With any luck, this will be the last time John Bolton breaks anyone’s heart so badly that they have to listen to Michael Bolton. But it’s not the first time these two giants of our age have staged a Bolton family reunion, despite not being related. Last year, Michael dropped by The Late Show With Steven Colbert to sing a few of John’s worst ideas:
Aw man, now we’re never gonna get to see that mustache kill on command.