Jeremy Renner, the star of The Hurt Locker, The Town, and a whole lot of Marvel movies, was forced to shut down the official Jeremy Renner app on Wednesday, after an onslaught of trolls made it unusable. The app, Jeremy Renner Official, was designed to let Jeremy Renner superfans stay connected to Jeremy Renner through an in-app Jeremy Renner social feed, samples of Jeremy Renner’s music, and official contests offering “a chance to win amazing prizes like meeting Jeremy Renner.” That’s all over now, as Jeremy Renner announced in a post to the official Jeremy Renner app on Wednesday:
An occasion this solemn can only be commemorated in verse, so, with apologies to W.H. Auden:
Stop all the apps, reboot the telephone,
Prevent incoming texts from making texting tones,
Silence the ringer, switch to airplane mode,
But Jeremy Renner’s official app won’t load.
Let Twitter fail-whale out with howls of grief,
From app store victims of the Jeremy Renner thief,
Put crepe bows in the windows of the Apple Store,
Let TV networks loop The Town and Civil War.
It was my North, my South, my royal flush,
My Angry Birds and my Candy Crush,
My radio station playing Jeremy’s song;
I thought the app would last forever: I was wrong.
The web is not wanted now; shut down every site,
Pack up the drives and dismantle each byte;
Smash all the servers and burn down the data center;
There’s no official app for Jeremy Renner.