Brow Beat

Announcing My Student Loan Debt Forgiveness Plan!

An underwater sled from the 1965 James Bond movie Thunderball.
The most thrilling student loan debt forgiveness program of them all! MGM

My Presidential campaign has been under a lot of fire recently from bad-faith critics who say that I “don’t have any real plans to tackle the student loan debt crisis,” blast my student outreach program for “consisting entirely of hurling water balloons in the general direction of UCLA’s campus from the window of a Jeep careening up and down Wilshire Boulevard,” and even claim that I “do not appear to be running for President at all.” America, I think it’s time to clear the air. This is not one of those Kamala Harris situations in which a politician describes an aspect of her black entrepreneurship program as though it were a hilariously terrible student loan debt forgiveness program, possibly in an effort to distract from her equally inadequate debt-free college and student debt plan:

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Under my Student Loan Debt Forgiveness Plan, there aren’t any catches or hidden conditions. Anyone can have their entire student loan debt forgiven simply by following a few simple instructions. Here’s how it works:

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1.     Read ALL of these Student Loan Debt Forgiveness Plan instructions before following any of them.

2.     Write your name and class period at the top of the worksheet.

3.     Travel to the French countryside and check into the luxurious private clinic known as Shrublands Sanitorium.

4.     Undergo a series of painful plastic surgeries until your face is a perfect match for French Air Force pilot François Derval.

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5.    Murder Derval and take his place on a training mission piloting an Avro Vulcan armed with two live nuclear warheads.

6.     Use poison gas to kill off the rest of the crew and crash-land the plane in shallow water off the coast of the Bahamas. You will be met by divers from the Disco Volante, a luxury yacht belonging to Neapolitan smuggler Emilio Largo.

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7.     Help the divers load the warheads into their jet-propelled underwater sleds and swim to the Disco Volante.

8.     Do NOT make fun of Emilio Largo’s eyepatch.

9.     Reach out to NATO and request a bounty of £100 million for the return of the nuclear warheads, payable in cash.

10.  Note that only Federally-Approved Student Loan Debt Forgiveness Program Nuclear Warhead Ransom Collectors are authorized to collect the nuclear warhead ransom. Here is the complete list of Federally-Approved Student Loan Debt Forgiveness Program Nuclear Warhead Ransom Collectors:
Jefferey Lebowski, Los Angeles, California.

11.  Well, how many Jefferey Lebowskis could there possibly be?

12. The ransom money is not to be used to pay your student loans: It has been earmarked for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion. (Students enrolled in an accredited Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion program should consult Appendix B.)

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13. Please ignore instructions 3 through 12, and hand your worksheet in at the front of the class. The rest of the class period may be spent on the approved sustained silent reading book of your choice. Thank you for following the instructions!

14.  Ignore instruction 13 and follow instructions 3 through 12 to the letter. Thank you for continuing to read the instructions even after you had been led to believe that this Student Loan Debt Forgiveness Program was an elementary school trick designed to sort out the deserving poor from the undeserving poor on the basis of their ability to follow arbitrarily complicated instructions!

15.  FREE SPACE.

16.  Start a business that operates for three years in a disadvantaged community.

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17.  Start a disadvantaged community that operates for three years in a business.

18.  Operate a three community disadvantage, starting in a year that’s for business.

19.  Put your right foot in.

20.  Put your right foot out.

21.  Put your right foot in.

22.  Shake it all about.

23. Simon didn’t say.

24. Congratulations! I forgive you for having student debt.

25. Good luck paying it all off!

Education is more important now than ever, primarily for the purpose of providing American businesses with workers who are exactly the right amount of smart, but not one drop smarter. That’s why, as your next president, I will expend most of my time and effort on making sure that only the most deserving poor people benefit from my programs, and even then only at the cost of an astonishing amount of their own time and effort, lest the truly deserving end up paying more in taxes than they would prefer. It’s no wonder Americans everywhere are sparking to my campaign’s positive message of means-tested social programs, nuclear extortion, and, of course, wild parties aboard the Disco Volante!

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