Brow Beat

Behold! The Royal Baby Toes of the Royal Baby!

The toes of the royal baby.
Baby toes imbued with the power of kings! The Duke and Duchess of Sussex / Instagram

Human babies are typically born with ten human baby toes, tiny little protuberances at the ends of their tiny little baby feet that eventually develop into load-bearing structures. Generally speaking, each tiny little baby cell making up each one of those tiny little baby toes contains genetic material from both parents. But sometimes, those tiny little baby cells that make up those tiny little baby toes also contain a small portion of genetic material from George Frederick Ernest Albert, an Englishman who died in 1936, and on those occasions, all ten of the tiny little baby toes are ordained by God himself to rule a small portion of the earth in his stead, at least if no better option is available. In these instances, we refer to the baby toes as “royal baby toes,” since each one of the baby toes could, by virtue of their small portion of George Frederick Ernest Albert’s DNA, eventually end up inside a boot stamping on humanity’s face. (They usually work together in packs of five.) Indeed, royal baby toes became such an intense focus of worldwide fascination in the first place because entire generations had their faces tap-danced into mush by royal adult toes encased in a wide variety of fashionable but extremely sturdy boots over the course of centuries. These days, it’s more of a ceremonial boot, but it still stings on occasion. So when American actress Meghan Markle gave birth to a royal baby, it was only a matter of time before the public was confronted with a new set of ten tiny royal baby toes. And here they are:

Bow down before the awesome power of George Frederick Ernest Albert’s genetic material! These particular royal baby toes belong to a royal baby named Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor, and are seventh in line to becoming regal baby toes, imbued by divine right with kingly power, or at least the portion of kingly power that can comfortably be contained inside the tiny little toe of a tiny little baby. The royal baby toes were posted on Mother’s Day as a tribute to all the other mothers in the world, although only a very select group of those mothers have the power to create a tiny little royal baby or the tiny little royal baby toes that tiny little royal babies are famous for. It’s a stirring reminder that motherhood is one of those primal human experiences that recognizes no boundaries of class or power. So happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there, no matter where your child currently stands in the line of succession to the British throne! But especially if he or she is in the top ten or so.