Brow Beat

Let The Daily Show Boost Your Self-Confidence With a Daily Affirmation From Jeanine Pirro

Jeanine Pirro's floating head.
Cheer up, stupid!
Comedy Central

Fox News personality Jeanine Pirro has done a lot of damage to this country, but there have always been two things she deserved credit for, however grudgingly given. For one thing, she realized how creepy Robert Durst was before most people, and that’s gotta count for something. Second, it must take an almost unfathomable effort to distinguish oneself as a especially loathsome Fox News personality when you’re competing with all the other Fox News personalities, and it would be churlish not to acknowledge how hard Pirro has worked to get where she is. And now there’s a third thing Pirro deserves credit for: Some absolutely hard-hitting reporting on the subject of how and why you, personally, are terrible. The Daily Show packaged Pirro’s blockbuster report about how much you suck into a Daily Affirmation:

It’s an amazing about-turn for a woman who often seems to be making things up as she goes along to produce such deeply-sourced reporting, but credit where due: Pirro has this story exactly right. Let’s hope this is the beginning of a new era in her reporting, because although this report represents a seismic shift in Pirro’s work, when it comes to the inexhaustible topic of how awful you are, she’s barely scratched the surface.

Here are Jeanine Pirro’s complete comments on the matter of what a pompous, namby-pamby pathetic loser you are:

Now listen up! Yeah, I’m talking to you—you keep your mouth shut. Don’t act so pompous—you’re wrong. You disgust me. You’re the stupid one. Are you schizo? Who are you? You bozo namby-pamby pathetic loser! You’re a cheat, wimp, swamp scum demon-rat. What don’t you get? Have you flipped your lid? You’re so clueless, you don’t even know you’re being used. You’re nothing but a shill. You’re the pig, you lying, pretentious, disingenuous, self-absorbed liar! And a pathological one at that! Shame on you! Are you still schizo?