At midnight on Friday, pop singer Taylor Swift updated her official website with a giant countdown clock, which will reach zero at 12:00 a.m. eastern on Friday, April 26. On Saturday, Swift confirmed that April 26 would be an important day for the planet with a cryptic Instagram post of a heart-shaped piece of jewelry:
The internet has been ablaze with rumors ever since the countdown clock appeared, most of which revolve around the idea that Swift might be releasing new music on the 26th. But students of history and students of the Assassin’s Creed video game series recognize that the situation is far grimmer than even the lead-up to the release of Reputation. April 26 is the anniversary of the Pazzi’s attack on the Medici outside the Duomo in Florence, making it an apt day for betrayals and treason. And this isn’t the first time a monomaniacal multi-millionaire with a love of gadgets, a passion for revenge, and a stockpile of diamonds has started a ticking clock. For more on this, here’s a crucial scene from the 1971 Cold War documentary Diamonds Are Forever:
We could spend the time between now and April 26 trying to dig fallout shelters deep enough to protect us from Taylor Swift’s diamond-powered death laser satellite array. We could spend it trying to raise whatever ransom Swift is planning to demand. We could even try to get Sean Connery to put on the old tuxedo one last time and sneak onto Taylor Swift’s diamond-powered death laser satellite array control center, which if memory serves should be on an unused oil platform somewhere. But these efforts will be futile. True wisdom lies in embracing the arrival of Taylor Swift’s death laser satellites, and living a life of guilt-free hedonism and sin until the scorching red hot light of the pop star’s newest project turns every water molecule in your body into steam at the exact same time. Ready for it?